Oh hai. *sits on your lap* :P
I've got quite an interesting post for you here.
I took it directly from my story. And it's really towards the start. I'm talking like the first few chapters. And you will be able to tell...
Because i haven't edited it one bit!
If i get some helpful feedback, i just may attempt a rewrite with the aim of making something decent... but it really doesn't matter. :)
So, just enjoy and laugh at me!
Stuff you should know:
A long time ago, Healthians invented a necklace that protects your soul, meaning that shadows couldn't just rip your soul from your body while you were wearing the necklace.
I was toying with the idea that shadows had the power to warp through rips in the ground, but later gave up on that. It's here in this scene because i never removed it, but ignore it. lol
I was also planning on making the shadow in this part a main character, but decided against that later on.
Marc and Neo are on a mission to find and rescue Zhetty, their Thoughtian team-mate, who disappeared while on patrol in the Heat World.
Right now they are crouching behind a rock, and Zhetty is on the other side with a foe.
As for the 'dark stream' towards the end... i don't even know what the hell that is! hahaha
That is all. :)
You will see lots of rookie mistakes, some awful dialogue, repetitive sentences and confusing crap. As well as the roots of storylines i was following but later abandoned.
If nothing else, i hope that by reading this you will see that i have improved as i have written more.
Here it is in all its glory...
Prepare to lol and cringe.
...
“…Okay. On my word, we peek over the top, alright?” Marc said.
“Okay,” said Neo.
“Now.”
“Oh crap.”
A shadow was standing over a bright body with silvery hair. The ground around it was littered with other shadows' bodies.
“At least we’ve found Zhetty," Marc said.
“What the hell is it doing? Do you think Zhetty’s still alive?”
“He’s probably dead. The shadow would have no reason to keep him alive. As for what it’s doing, it looks like it’s playing with his charm necklace.”
“What would it be doing that for? Shadow’s can’t even touch our necklaces.”
“I don’t know…”
“Please…” the body groaned.
“What the hell was that?” Marc asked.
“I think he’s still alive," Neo said. "We have to get in there.”
“No, wait! If we scare it, it might kill Zhetty and run. Let’s just see what happens.”
“Take… your sword…” Zhetty said.
“Your powers are weak now Thoughtian,” the Shadow hissed. “You may as well stop trying.”
“Stab… yourself… ungh…”
“You don’t listen well, do you Thoughtian?”
“Arr… Let me… go… and I will… spare… your… life…”
“Hah! Sure! Run along now!”
The Shadow bent down and leaned into Zhetty’s face.
“I’m going to figure out a way to get this necklace off you, and then I’m going to tear your body to shreds. It will be agony. And just before you finally taste sweet death, I’m going to eat your soul. There will be no wonderful afterlife for you.”
“We need to get in there!” Neo said hastily.
“You’re right," Marc said. "I’ll take care of the Shadow. You sneak around the rocks behind them and get Zhetty out of there as quickly as possible.”
“Okay.”
“Go now, and wait for me to jump down before you get in there.”
Marc held his sword close to his chest. Neo crawled around the rock wall, and waited behind Zhetty.
“Here goes…” Marc took a deep breath. Then he jumped over the wall.
“Hey! Shadow!” he yelled.
“Oh… Who’s this?" the shadow asked. "One of your friends, Thoughtian?”
“Marc…” Zhetty groaned.
“He didn’t do anything. Let him go," Marc said.
“You’re a Powerian… Good… I like the deep blue blood of that kind. It’s thick and clean and pure. And your souls are especially sweet.”
“Shut up you sicko. If that’s the way you want it, you’re gonna get it.”
Marc swung his sword around in his hand. The Shadow pulled a sword out from under its cloak as well. The handle was purple and the blade was black.
“Your sweet blood will coat this blade.”
“I am so sick of your voice.”
Marc lifted his sword above his head and jumped towards the Shadow. He swung it down and it met the Shadow’s sword with a clang. The Shadow hissed at him, so he punched it with his hand. The Shadow stumbled backwards, then it lifted up its hand.
“You have a strong body my friend. Is your heart strong as well?” it snarled.
The hand glowed black, the ground shook, and a dark stream poured out of the hand into Marc.
“Stay,” it laughed.
“… No. My heart is stronger than yours.”
Marc walked forward, swung his sword around and brought it down onto the Shadow’s hand. The Shadow screamed and jerked its arm in. The hand flew off as it did.
“I am no ordinary Powerian.”
“And I am no ordinary Shadow! You have made a powerful enemy my friend!”
The Shadow disappeared into a rip in the ground.
“Phew… Zhetty? Neo?” Marc asked.
“We’re here.” Neo said.
“I’m… so cold… Marc…” Zhetty groaned.
“You’ll be okay now. Let’s get out of here.”
“Marc?”
“What?”
“Thank you…”
...
ROFL good times. hahaha
A message.
-
I occasionally revisit my blog when I need to look up a date or some other
detail from my past. It's convenient to have chronicled every major life
event f...
12 years ago
18 comments:
Even with just bits and pieces, I find myself already visualizing things.
Was this supposed to be the post you mentioned in your regular blog?
Actually this is quite good. You might second guess in a space battle context the use of certain words and phrases like "okay" (which originally was a 19th century American political term indicating that a candidate was acceptable, as in "He's OK"), "sicko", "so sick", "Here goes (nothing)", or even "crap" (which is a scatalogical term of Middle English origin wrongly associated with the London plumbing supplier Thomas Crapper). But these are stylistic decisions you alone should make. Your writing gets better every week.
Well I did laugh, but it wasn't at you at all. I was just thinking, why is it always that alien species refer to others by species name. The shadow says: "one of your friends, Thoughtian?"
I don't snarl at other species by name, but maybe thats just me:
"Why aren't you eating your food, dog?". "Its a nice day for a soda and chips, eh human?" I don't it just seemed funny to me.
I do agree that you have made much improvement based on other posts. I really didn't get a good sense of the scene here. Also, I was a little lost in some of the dialog. The scene was choppy and didn't give me a sense of what was really happening, just snippets of dialog and action. I enjoy writing that really paints a picture (add one for how many times thats been said).
I must add that your into of 'oh, hai! *sits on lap*' was adorable :-) I love the adorable, precocious mirrorboy.
Much Love and hugs-
Steve
I feel so honored - MB's sitting on my lap :P
Good, can't improve much
I don't like it how the shadows sword recieved such a short description.
And the last part, which seemed to be a tralogue got a tad confusing.
That's all...
No need to get off my lap now :P
Hayden
nice
seb
It's not bad :)
I can picture what's happening just fine.
hugs
MB,
Its actually not that bad, u can refer to my previous comments on ur dialogue skills.
Over all its seems pretty par for the course, dialogue seems fake for the simple reason you have a huge amount of dialogue and no narration to describe the events in detail. And you need to stick to vernacular that seems sincere, i.e. type the dialogue how you would speak, not how you think they would speak...
other than the normal problems, u just need to polish some stuff, it wasent terrible...
haha yeah man, you really have improved in your writing.
Forgive me for not commenting much on this blog, but I do read it almost every post.
"you sicko" lol at that one.
Anyway, love u and keep up your great writing dude
It's quite good actually - I would add one piece of feedback. Since you are telling the story as a third person standing outside the story, I would fill in your dialog with some more atmosphere as to what is going on. Observe what is happening as they are talking, fill in some of the thoughts that are going through the characters heads as they are speaking, or clue us in to the intentions of the characters they are encountering. This can add some foreshadowing to the story, or help us anticipate whether the characters' actions are going to have the desired effect or lead to more interesting arcs to the story. Just a thought ... and thanks for sittin on my lap :-)
ooh...sitting on my lap no less. ^_^ anyone who would laugh at you should be ashamed. i love reading your story, buddy. sorry it's taken me so long to get round to commenting. *mwah!* as always i really enjoyed it.
You can't help being good! Do you know the poem The Pied Piper of Hamelin by Robert Browning? Thx.
CMB, your on my lap ?
But your not of age
off off (not) lol !
I enjoyed the story
no problem here.
I really enjoyed it, I thought the humour was great. With regard to you not describing the scene well; It worked fine with me because I used my imagination (kinda like Seth).
You've definitely come on in leaps and bounds since this was written, *but*, I still think this scene is a wonderful piece of fiction!
I didn't laugh or cringe at all, only smiled, and that (as I said) was because of the humour!
Take care,
Col
*Hugs*
I'm really really late with this one, but just read it now.
It really does show how much you've improved, I agree. I was actually amazed when comparing this to the other stuff you've shown us how much your style has changed, in my opinion for the better.
I wont deconstruct this one like I have other posts, because I think you already recognise the stuff you could change to make it better. I'll just go through a couple of general things though.
1) Descriptors... we can hardly see how the characters are feeling, what they're thinking etc in here. Work at giving them emotions, describing how they're saying things, what they're doing as they're thinking/talking etc.
2) Setting the scene - you haven't really drawn us a picture of where they are or what the battleground looks like - rendering that a little more will help the reader get into it.
3) Repetitive structure - you know what I'm going to say. Spice things up a little, don't just make it 'and then, and then' etc.
4) Dialogue - the 'oh crap' dialogue sequence stands out - it's really hard to feel what's going on because we have no description of it. Either describe the looks of horror on their faces and keep us in suspense as to what they are seeing, or describe the scene they are witnessing... but in some way you have to tell us why it's 'oh crap' or it just feels like a throwaway line without any feeling.
5) Character development - I like the way you attribute no sex to the shadow. The use of 'it' to describe the shadow gets a bit repetitive and clunky though. Is there any other way you could describe it?
Also, I'm not sure about the depiction of the shadow fighter as total evil - you've clearly painted it as a 100% evil soul, with no good whatsoever in there at all. This may be a little bit simple and in the interests of the story at some stage you might want to make an attempt at allowing us to understand why they are the way they are... whether they are just following orders or they are a hurt and angry race because of some previous wrong or something like that. Or you can just keep them at completely evil... Just have a think about it.
6) Zhetty - It'd be cool to have an image of his injuries, how hurt he is etc when they rescue him, so we know just how close to the wind they came in rescuing him.
Keep at it, I think it would be neat to see a rewrite of this one, there's lots of potential to show just how amazing your rewriting skills are :)
loves
~kiwi
Thnx for all the comments everyone. I forgot to respond earlier, sorry. Now it's an old post so i doubt any of you will read my responses. So i won't bother. :D
love
just to prove you wrong... i'm here and reading :P
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