Excerpt from Universes - Get Your First Taste of Action.

Oh hai. *sits on your lap* :P

I've got quite an interesting post for you here.

I took it directly from my story. And it's really towards the start. I'm talking like the first few chapters. And you will be able to tell...

Because i haven't edited it one bit!

If i get some helpful feedback, i just may attempt a rewrite with the aim of making something decent... but it really doesn't matter. :)

So, just enjoy and laugh at me!



Stuff you should know:

A long time ago, Healthians invented a necklace that protects your soul, meaning that shadows couldn't just rip your soul from your body while you were wearing the necklace.

I was toying with the idea that shadows had the power to warp through rips in the ground, but later gave up on that. It's here in this scene because i never removed it, but ignore it. lol

I was also planning on making the shadow in this part a main character, but decided against that later on.

Marc and Neo are on a mission to find and rescue Zhetty, their Thoughtian team-mate, who disappeared while on patrol in the Heat World.

Right now they are crouching behind a rock, and Zhetty is on the other side with a foe.

As for the 'dark stream' towards the end... i don't even know what the hell that is! hahaha

That is all. :)



You will see lots of rookie mistakes, some awful dialogue, repetitive sentences and confusing crap. As well as the roots of storylines i was following but later abandoned.

If nothing else, i hope that by reading this you will see that i have improved as i have written more.

Here it is in all its glory...

Prepare to lol and cringe.

...

“…Okay. On my word, we peek over the top, alright?” Marc said.

“Okay,” said Neo.

“Now.”

“Oh crap.”

A shadow was standing over a bright body with silvery hair. The ground around it was littered with other shadows' bodies.

“At least we’ve found Zhetty," Marc said.

“What the hell is it doing? Do you think Zhetty’s still alive?”

“He’s probably dead. The shadow would have no reason to keep him alive. As for what it’s doing, it looks like it’s playing with his charm necklace.”

“What would it be doing that for? Shadow’s can’t even touch our necklaces.”

“I don’t know…”

“Please…” the body groaned.

“What the hell was that?” Marc asked.

“I think he’s still alive," Neo said. "We have to get in there.”

“No, wait! If we scare it, it might kill Zhetty and run. Let’s just see what happens.”



“Take… your sword…” Zhetty said.

“Your powers are weak now Thoughtian,” the Shadow hissed. “You may as well stop trying.”

“Stab… yourself… ungh…”

“You don’t listen well, do you Thoughtian?”

“Arr… Let me… go… and I will… spare… your… life…”

“Hah! Sure! Run along now!”

The Shadow bent down and leaned into Zhetty’s face.

“I’m going to figure out a way to get this necklace off you, and then I’m going to tear your body to shreds. It will be agony. And just before you finally taste sweet death, I’m going to eat your soul. There will be no wonderful afterlife for you.”



“We need to get in there!” Neo said hastily.

“You’re right," Marc said. "I’ll take care of the Shadow. You sneak around the rocks behind them and get Zhetty out of there as quickly as possible.”

“Okay.”

“Go now, and wait for me to jump down before you get in there.”

Marc held his sword close to his chest. Neo crawled around the rock wall, and waited behind Zhetty.

“Here goes…” Marc took a deep breath. Then he jumped over the wall.

“Hey! Shadow!” he yelled.

“Oh… Who’s this?" the shadow asked. "One of your friends, Thoughtian?”

“Marc…” Zhetty groaned.

“He didn’t do anything. Let him go," Marc said.

“You’re a Powerian… Good… I like the deep blue blood of that kind. It’s thick and clean and pure. And your souls are especially sweet.”

“Shut up you sicko. If that’s the way you want it, you’re gonna get it.”

Marc swung his sword around in his hand. The Shadow pulled a sword out from under its cloak as well. The handle was purple and the blade was black.

“Your sweet blood will coat this blade.”

“I am so sick of your voice.”

Marc lifted his sword above his head and jumped towards the Shadow. He swung it down and it met the Shadow’s sword with a clang. The Shadow hissed at him, so he punched it with his hand. The Shadow stumbled backwards, then it lifted up its hand.

“You have a strong body my friend. Is your heart strong as well?” it snarled.

The hand glowed black, the ground shook, and a dark stream poured out of the hand into Marc.

“Stay,” it laughed.

“… No. My heart is stronger than yours.”

Marc walked forward, swung his sword around and brought it down onto the Shadow’s hand. The Shadow screamed and jerked its arm in. The hand flew off as it did.

“I am no ordinary Powerian.”

“And I am no ordinary Shadow! You have made a powerful enemy my friend!”

The Shadow disappeared into a rip in the ground.

“Phew… Zhetty? Neo?” Marc asked.

“We’re here.” Neo said.

“I’m… so cold… Marc…” Zhetty groaned.

“You’ll be okay now. Let’s get out of here.”

“Marc?”

“What?”

“Thank you…”

...

ROFL good times. hahaha

Excerpt from Universes - The Prephleen Bridge Pt2.

Oh hai. *settles back into chair*

I'm back! Yay. And we can finally finish the scene.

These posts take a lot of work, so i was enjoying my break. But now they continue. Enjoy!



I rewrote a lot of this, but some parts you will probably able to tell i just copy and pasted from the original. :D



I strongly suggest you read the previous post, before this one, as this is Part 2 of the Prephleen Bridge scene.

Stuff you should know:
- In case i haven't mentioned this, the Stonians' power is telekinesis.

- There's a small part in here with a character called Xeros the Speedian and it seems like he comes from nowhere, but you have to remember that he's actually a main character of the story, so if you were reading the thing as a whole you would know who Xeros is quite well.

- There was a new group of elite soldiers formed recently called the Border Patrol. And their job is to basically... protect the edge of the allies' territory... or something. lol

- Dorph was given a weapon by his mother before he came to the bridge. It is Siniztar, a black-bladed short sword/long knife. It used to belong to his father (deceased), after he claimed it from a fearsome shadow general that rode wyverns.

- Dorph also has a terrible fear of dragons...



...

With their hearts thumping and hands on the hilts of their swords, Sydney and her team-mates ran for the bridge to stand with their allies. Dorph instinctively grabbed Sydney's hand, and Sydney squeezed her boyfriend's fingers so hard it hurt.

Together, the whole group waited anxiously at the edge of their battlefield; the hard strip of ancient stone before them, between two short thick walls. On Sydney's left were the other two captains, Alkan and Carlon with their team-mates, and ahead of everyone was Drephor.

The general was in battle mode now. His eyes darted around, taking in everything around him. In his mind he ticked over the powers he had supporting him and how he could use them to his advantage. He pondered what he would be facing soon, and for a moment he prayed he and his soldiers would have enough combined strength to finish their mission.

But then he snapped out of praying, wishing and thinking, and he just knew they would. Losing was not a possibility now.

Drephor withdrew his sword and felt the familiar rush of power. He was ready.

From the darkness, the first sign of the shadows was the glint of their steel, from the faltering light of the torches lining the bridge. As soon as they came into view, Drephor sized them up.

"A large scouting group," Carlon stated, and Drephor nodded.

"Too easy," Alkan said to his team-mates.

But for a scouting group, it was a large one. The allied soldiers would be facing foes equal to their own numbers, at least.

Drephor stepped forward and faced his soldiers. “Yes, the shadows may have grown stronger. They’ve gained more power, and they’re high on their lust for blood... but we have gotten angrier! They’ve terrorised our civilians and slain our friends and families! So if they think they can take our land without a problem they’ve got another thing coming! No shadows have ever taken over the Health World before and we’re not about to let them! We're the first thing between them and our loved ones and land. So show no hesitation! Don’t let fear stay your hand! Send these creeps to the hells they belong in with one nightmare of a farewell!”

The shadow soldiers came into the light, shouting, and ran at the allies with their weapons raised. Drephor was first off the mark, charging to meet their fight. His soldiers soon joined him, and the two sides clashed in the middle of the bridge.

Dorph whipped out Siniztar for the first time in battle, and he had a confidence he’d never experienced before. Like it was feeding him strength, he ran into the shadows, and just like he’d hoped, his blade sliced through their robes and skin like butter.

Sydney jumped up onto the wall of the bridge and blasted the horde of shadows with fireballs. As a shadow ran at her feet, Sydney got ready to jump down, but her attacker was sliced down the back with Dorph's black blade.

Drephor pushed his way to the front and whipped through his enemies in a whirlwind of slashes from his blade. No foe could touch him. His silver sword shone under the fiery glow of fire and the black blood flew from it, not even leaving a trace, until he was on the other side of the shadow group.

“Drephor!" Sydney yelled from her vantage-point. "Even more are coming! I can see them!”

“You sure?" the general yelled back.

“Yep!” Sydney was cut short as she lost her balance and fell back into the fight.

Another troop of shadows approached the bridge. It was obvious they weren't scouts, because they were fitted with armour they'd scraped together from their fallen Healthian enemies, their weapons were long and sharp, and the shadows themselves were built and angry.

Drephor was sandwiched between the two enemy groups, and glanced around for a way to escape. Deciding to jump up onto the wall, he raced back along it until he was near his soldiers again.

“This is better," he muttered to himself. Then he shouted, "Everyone! You just have to hold out a bit longer! I’m sure what I'm waiting for will appear soon!”

Drephor surveyed what was happening before him... Unfortunately, no matter how good his soldiers were, they would eventually all be overcome and killed. He hoped that his gamble would pay off. He could see people dying around him, and he didn’t want their deaths in this fight to be for nothing.

A voice came from behind him, “Drephor!”

“Huh?”

Selpha and her soldiers hurried towards the bridge from the camp. Drephor couldn't help the smirk that appeared on his face as his tired soldiers were bolstered with Selpha's forces.

As Selpha neared the general, she said, “You should’ve told me they were here! Hope we didn’t miss out on too much of the action!”

"I believe there's still quite a fight ahead of us," he answered. "Thanks," he added after a pause.

"Anytime, General," she responded, with a quick smile.

The battle was going favourably for Drephor's forces now and soon the remaining shadows on the bridge would be dead. Drephor just had to wait for one more thing - And what happened next gave him the feeling that he wouldn’t have to wait much longer.

Beyond the bridge Drephor could see large numbers of shadows moving in; their numbers stretching back into the night as far as he could see.

The enemies closed in while the allied soldiers still held the bridge, but before the shadows set foot on the stone a loud voice called out, and a shadow head-to-toe in spiny gold armour, stepped forward. He had a grin on his face, and you could see the excitement rushing through his body. He lifted his hand and was about to give the order for his troops to charge, when he eyed Drephor, now sitting on the stone wall of the bridge. What luck for this shadow general, that one of his greatest targets was within metres of him.

Drephor got up, ran along the wall, and jumped down to face the new arrivals. He was the only one between them and his own soldiers, and he wanted it that way. This golden-armoured foe had to be the one person he’d been waiting for all this time.

This was of great delight to the shadow in gold. Was the enemy general he’d heard so much about going to challenge him? His hand crept down to the large sword at his side.

Drephor raised his hand. “Wait! I want to speak to you first."

“Oh you do?” replied Drephor's match, as his plated hand left his sword's hilt. “Go ahead... general."

“Do you know who I am?”

“Ha! The arrogance in your eyes and the faked hope on your face is amusing but revealing. You can only be one of the two sons. Please tell, is your name Skorph or Drephor?”

“I am Drephor, general of the Health World.”

“Ahh, good. That is good to know. I hope your experience will give my troops a good fight.”

“Oh we will in time... But, what is your experience?”

“I've conquered many of your bases while-”

“Oh! So it is you?”

“What?”

“Hounder! That’s you! I always know who is responsible for the loss of our soldiers, and your name kept coming up!”

“Hmmm. I underestimated you Drephor. You already know more than I thought you would. Yes, I am Hounder, and that name will endure the rest of time, for I will be the one to conquer this world.”

“I’ll see to it that you never will.”

“Yes, well, good for you," retorted Hounder. "Now, are you ready to fight?”

“Ha... Who said WE were going to fight?”

Drephor glanced over his shoulder. Like he expected, Selpha was behind him. He gave her a nod and she nodded back.

“You little...” Hounder growled.

Drephor yelled, “Retreat!”

Drephor turned and ran, and his soldiers ahead of him did the same. Selpha directed them down the river while Sydney waited for Drephor.

But Hounder got his troops together and pursued them.

“You fool Drephor!" Hounder raged. "Nobody runs from me! Send in the wyvern!”

The Healthian General froze in his tracks.

“What’s wrong?” Sydney asked.

“Wyvern," Drephor said simply with his eyes wide open.

A screech shook the ground and there was a huge slamming noise just ahead of the soldiers.

A big, pale green flying beast cut the group off right before the warp point.

“Selpha! What do we do?” Alkan stammered.

“We need to get to the warp point but that's-”

There was another screech and the soldiers nearby stepped back, some with their hands over their ears in pain.

The scaly beast approached them with its huge, almost translucent wings lifted. Its triangular head at the end of its long, smooth neck was raised and was baring its sharp teeth. It had small claw-like hands that looked like they could grab hold of anything and rip it apart with ease, and its huge black eyes drilled even more fear into its enemies.

“Hold strong! Selpha ordered. She now had her double-edged sword out at her side. "If we don't stand together, we don’t have a chance!”

Drephor stood next to Selpha, while the team captains gathered their friends.

“Oh geez! That’s worse than any dragon I’ve ever seen!” Dorph whimpered, while he stood there frozen and shaking.

Sydney held Dorph tight in her arm. “It’s okay Dorphy. You’ve got wyvern-slaying blood in your veins, remember?”

"Mm."

Alkan asked the obvious question to the one person he thought might be able to answer it.

“Drephor! How do we kill that thing?”

The general was silent and didn’t respond.

Selpha whacked him in the back of the head.

“Don’t you dare go all quiet on us again! We need you!”

“I... just... I don't know, cut it! Blast it! Chop its head off! I haven’t seen a wyvern in decades!”

“Well, doesn’t that fill us with confidence,” Neo said quietly.

The beast roared one more time, then it lurched forward, ready to barge into the group.

“This is it! Kill the beast!” Selpha yelled.

Ramming straight into the right side of the group, it slammed into the soldiers and knocked them into the air or to the ground, but the others nearby with weapons sliced it as it ran past.

As it passed and turned around to strike again, it was hit by a series of fire blasts and waterballs. They splashed against its scaly skin and dissipated, but it took special care not to get its wings hit, as it used them to gain speed.

Alkan, the Stonian captain, and two of his Stonian team-mates ran to the side and hurled a few large rocks at the wyvern. The first two whizzed by its head but the third hit it in the body as it ran forward. There was a loud screech and it stopped in its tracks and shook... Then it eyed the Stonians.

It hurled itself forward and as it met the three soldiers, it swept them up into the air with its huge wings. Then gravity took effect and they hit the ground hard.

While Alkan was still on the ground groaning the wyvern walked forward, and when Alkan opened his eyes the beast was above and its huge open jaws were bearing down upon him.

“Uh-oh...”



“Aim at the wings! Damage them and it will lose its speed," Drephor yelled.

“Okay, come on Neo," Sydney said as she grabbed his hand and pulled him aside.

Sydney and Neo charged up and shot their attacks at the same time towards the beast's wings, but as the beast finished with Alkan it quickly turned around and their attacks hit it in the face, bouncing off its scales.

It screeched again and charged them.

“Aah! Split!” Sydney screamed.

She ducked to the left and Neo jumped to the right, but the wyvern headed for Sydney.

Dorph quickly ran in between them with Siniztar.

“Dorph! No!”

“I have-”

The wyvern halted and roared at him, just metres from his face and Dorph dropped the knife.

“Uhhh,” Dorph wailed.

Its claw-like hands grabbed him and lifted him off the ground. He was about to meet the same fate as Alkan when there was a whoosh underneath them and Dorph fell to the ground. Xeros had chopped off one of the beast's arms, saving Dorph’s life, but now the wyvern was angry and started screaming and flinging its wings around, hitting everyone nearby and blasting those further back with harsh gusts of wind.

It lifted itself up into the air and roared, then eyed the biggest group of soldiers, which included Drephor, Selpha and Carlon.

“Raise your swords,” Selpha fumed. “If we’re going down we’re taking that monster with us.”

The wyvern raised its wings and was about to shoot through the air and slam into them, when from the darkness behind the group, dozens of fire balls and water balls battered and slammed the wyvern's wings, and it crashed to the ground screeching.

“What the?” Drephor turned around and his eyes were met by a familiar face. A Powerian male with a silver metal mace stood ahead of a group of dozens of soldiers, all wearing silver capes.

“When we heard you were coming here, we thought you might need our help, Drephor," the leader said. "The Border Patrol is at your service."

“You couldn't have come at a better time, Dracu," The general replied exhaustedly.

“Now come! To the warp point everyone!” Selpha ordered hastily. "We have to get out of here!"

...

Everyone escapes bla bla bla. :)

The Prephleen Bridge scene sets up the duel that Drephor and Hounder later have. :)

Now leave feedback!

Excerpt from Universes - Things Get Serious.

Oh hai. *considers hugging*

Warning: this post is not great. lol

I had to do a bit of editing for this part, because this excerpt was taken from quite early in my story when i obviously wasn't as skilled as i am now. I realised i was using the word 'swung' sometimes 3 times in a paragraph, so this needed a bit of work.

Most of it is straight from the story though.

KK...

As i've mentioned before, Coltrane is the hidden traitor of the story, but also kinda my main character. He's working for the shadows, but at this point the reader is still unaware of his motivations.

The purpose of this piece is to show the reader exactly the sorts of things that Coltrane has to do, with a little shock value. It also gives Coltrane something to stew over in his mind later on and battle his own thoughts regarding what is right and what is wrong. Oh, and of course, to progress the shadows' plans as well.

Here, Coltrane was given a task by the Shadow King. He had to warp into the tower of the under-attack-by-shadows Thoughts World, slay the guards inside, steal the Thoughts Orb they were guarding and bring it back to the Shadow King. The Thoughts Orb is the source of power for the Thoughtians, as long as it is still in the Thoughts World... lol. Anyways, without their Orb, the Thoughtians will be weak and useless, and the shadows will have the Thoughts Power, which is the power of persuasion.

eg. "stab yourself" says Thoughtian.

*stabs self*

:)



Something you should know:
- Coltrane was given a golden capsule-like object by the king that can cut off a warp point's power temporarily.

I'm aware this isn't great and needs a lot of work. It does kinda get into a mess as it progresses, but that's why i'm posting it up here. :P

And don't forget this is from early on in my story and not a complete rewrite. :P

I might rewrite it if i get some good feedback. :)

...

Coltrane appeared from the warping point at the top of the tower. It was the tallest tower in the whole Thoughts World and housed the Orb in the very top. The Orb sat on a soft red cushion on a gold pedestal and had an aura of incredible power. There was a mist inside it that floated around randomly.

There were a dozen guards with long spears and swords and shiny armour and helmets. They stood on their designated spots, with blank faces. They all looked sad, like they knew that one day soon their jobs would be obsolete.

Coltrane was here. That day was today.

The orb room of the tower was round. There was a balcony overlooking the bland sky and poisoned ground of the once great world. There was one small room behind a door where the guards ate and slept in their shifts. There was an indent in the wall where the warp point was and there was a big steel door nearby that led to the steps of the tower. It could be locked from the inside with a steel bar…

Coltrane walked out of the warp point. The guards didn’t move, but he knew their eyes were on him.

People came up to the orb room many times a day, so for all the guards knew, Coltrane was just here to check out the situation.

He knew he would have to be quick.

He dropped his gold capsule next to the door and innocently flicked a switch on it with his foot. He could feel the air in the room thickening while the guards watched him. He wondered if one would jump on him with a sword just for doing that…

As he eyed one of the guards, he saw a pair of squinting eyes. He could tell they were suspicious but confused.

Sprinting to the door, Coltrane grabbed the steel bar beside it and slammed it down to jam the doors so that it couldn’t be pulled back out without a lot of force.

That was it. The guards raised their spears and unsheathed their swords.

Coltrane yanked out his own sword and jumped around to face the first guard upon him. Two swords clashed but a quick punch from Coltrane disarmed the guard and gave Coltrane the opportunity to whip his sword around and slice the neck of his foe. There was now a spray of silver blood on the wall, and Coltrane could see the horror that this caused in the rest of them and felt sickeningly pleased.

One of the guards grabbed the Orb and ran for the warp point, but it wouldn’t activate.

Side by side, two guards came at Coltrane, with their swords at the ready. The first guard's attack was easy to dodge, and then Coltrane stabbed at the leg of his attacker, jumped up and finished him with a slice to the gut. The other guard went for Coltrane’s torso and Coltrane slid to the side, but he got a big cut along his shoulder and had his first taste of pain. A swift round swipe of Coltrane's sword left another enemy on the floor.

A tough battle ensued with other guards and Coltrane received various wounds.

Coltrane dispatched another three foes but suddenly felt a sharp pain in his leg.

A guard with a spear had stabbed him, and at the same time another Thoughtian met Coltrane’s sword with his own blade. Coltrane tried to fend him off but suffered a deep gash along his right arm. Coltrane’s sword fell to the ground, but he wasn’t going to let this stop him.

He put both his hands on the spear and wrenched it from the guard with all his energy. He bashed the other guard over the head with the blunt end. He then spun around and thrust it at the spear guard’s chest.

With his spear spinning, he jumped around once again and finished off the other guard with a blow to his waist.Stooping to pick up his sword in his left hand, Coltrane set upon the other four guards. One of them had a golden helmet, and Coltrane figured he was the captain. He decided to save him for last.

A quick thrust of the spear killed one and Coltrane let the guard fall with the spear still lodged in his gut.

One of the other two came for him with his sword raised. Coltrane ducked the guard's lunge and cut him off at the legs.

The other guard had a spear, which he thrust at Coltrane. Coltrane jumped to the side and brought his sword down on the head of the spear, which snapped off. He then finished the guard off with a blow to the neck and kicked him out of the way.

Coltrane looked at the captain. From the corner he could hear the whimpers of the guard with the orb, as he desperately tried to make the warp point work.

He eyed the captain, and the captain glared back with sullen eyes.

He could see the anger in the captain’s eyes, as well as the growing fear.

He could feel his blood trickling down his arm. And he felt the pain in his leg. The adrenaline was wearing off, and he was starting to realise what he had just done.

He felt sick.

The captain spoke, “What foulness is this, that a Powerian would slay his own allies?”

“Your kind are not my allies.”

“Dare I ask who is?”

“The shadows are my allies.”

“You traitor…”

“I do what I have to do to survive.”

“You pathetic excuse for a soldier! I hope your soul spends an eternity inside one of those shadows!”

The captain jumped forward and whipped his sword towards Coltrane’s stomach, but Coltrane dodged to the side. The captain swung again hastily, this time nicking Coltrane on the hip. The next time the captain came at him, Coltrane blocked with his sword, and their blades slid down until they met at the hilt. The captain pushed forward and shoved Coltrane backwards and he stumbled, before falling backwards over a body.

The captain dashed forward, wasting no time. He stood over Coltrane, but Coltrane still had his sword, which he stabbed into the captain's leg. The captain shouted in pain, and Coltrane rolled away and got back to his feet.

"Even if you kill me," Coltrane panted, "your people will not survive the onslaught of the shadows. Yes, it’s coming. It could be any day now, and all the worlds will fall. You will lose, even if you kill me today.”

Coltrane went forward again with his sword held firmly in his hand. He went for the captain’s face but missed. Coltrane then blocked another swing from his enemy.

He whipped his sword forward again, this time catching the guard on his left wrist, but the captain swung his own sword around and brought it fiercely down on Coltrane’s, which flew from his hand across the room, clanking against the hard walls. The captain butted his helmet against Coltrane and forced him to the floor.

Coltrane kicked the captain hard in his shin. The Thoughtian's feet were shod in plate boots and they slid backwards and he fell forward.

Coltrane swiftly grabbed the sword of one of his fallen enemies and jumped to the side of the captain, who was struggling to get back to his feet. The captain held his sword up to block the expected attack from Coltrane.

Coltrane whipped his sword around and bashed the sword from the captains weakened hand.

He lifted his sword again and brought it down with all his energy, piercing the captain’s chest armour.

The body jerked forward, then came to a rest with the sword still jammed.

Finally, Coltrane picked his own sword back up, and went over to the guard who had taken the Orb.

The guard cowered in fear.

Coltrane stabbed him through the chest, and watched the Orb roll from his quivering hands down into a silver pool of blood.

It was finished.
Coltrane knelt down, exhausted and drained. He was terrified that he would die and his people would find out what he had done. But everybody in the room was dead. He was safe.

He looked around at the slaughter in the room. The walls were sprayed with silvery blood and the bodies lay silent and still.

Coltrane himself was drenched in blood - his enemies' and his own. He had deep wounds on his leg, shoulder and wrist, and they were starting to affect him now.

His pulse was pounding through his head. His whole body shook with every heartbeat.

He didn’t want to have to do this.

He stood back up, and went over to pick up the orb. It was silvery like the Thoughtians’ blood, and the movement of the shiny mist floating through it seemed to have sped up.

Once he was back at the Death World, he could place the Orb next to the Death Orb, Sound Orb, Beasts Orb and Shadow Orb.

The Shadows would be even stronger.

Rewrite - Let's Fight.

Oh hai. *shares warm blanket with*

I'll keep the intro short - I read all of your feedback on my last post, and decided to rewrite the piece i put up. I hope that at the least this is an improvement on what i had before, cos it would show that i can adapt and change for the better. :)

Battles are fricken hard to get right, so if i can write decent battles, then the rest of the story should be easy and awesome, right? lol :P

I also still don't know if i got the Zamny balance right but that's one hell of a fine line.

You may want to consider going back and reading the previous version before you judge this one.

And i understand that's it's still not perfect, but i wrote it in the space of a few hours so just remember that. :P

...

"I won’t be running this time," Drephor said. "This time, I am ready."

"Let’s hope so…"

For a moment they both eyed each other and gripped their swords tightly.

For Drephor, losing was not a possibility. The spilling of Hounder's blood would mean a huge step forward in this bloody war. It would show these foul beings that they could not encroach upon the Healthians' white fields and expect a weak resistance, and it would show them that the Healthian leader was a force to be feared instead of underestimated.

If Drephor lost, the shadows would be that much closer to claiming this land for their own, and the entire Healthian army would be powerless to help and heal their allies, and that could mean multi-genocide.

Their swords would meet, as would Drephor's courage meet Hounder's bloodlust, and their hatred for each other would collide.

With the weight of more than one world on his shoulders, as beads of sweat crept down his cheek, and his top lip twitched, Drephor couldn't take it anymore. His left foot left the dirt and took a step forward, and then it all started. Yells and roars rose from the battlefield as the soldiers and shadows reengaged, and neither side held anything back. And the one duel that mattered the most began.

Drephor fought to the beat of his heart against Hounder's pure strength. Again and again their steel clashed, but not once did a hand give way. Not once did either think they had this won. Every second counted in this fast and furious contest.

If not for a dirty attack from Hounder, the sword-fury would have continued, but a punch to the gut pushed Drephor back, and again their eyes met.

"You still haven’t seen what I’m capable of," Hounder growled. "The tales do me no justice."

"Well I want to find out!"

This time Drephor ran fast towards his foe. A rough swipe from Hounder was easy to dodge, and a quick return by the skilful Drephor left Hounder getting sliced in a gap in his armour, and Drephor had the first blood on his blade.

"Grrr... Impressive," Hounder half-snapped with grudging respect, but while showing no pain. He sheathed his sword and planted his feet firmly on the ground, as his outstretched left hand started to glow fiery red and grow flames, and the right shined deep blue.

As fiery pulsing attacks flew at him from various angles, Drephor had to duck and dodge continually with little time to recover. Repeatedly he would drop to the ground, only to have to scramble in the dust to get up again.

As Drephor finally managed to get to his feet, Hounder suddenly lashed at him with a water whip from his right hand. Drephor whacked it with his sword and the whip curled around the blade. His anger was building up and he yanked the sword back hard, and his enemy was tugged forward, but recovered as the whip disappeared and started charging up another attack.

With time to scan his surroundings, Drephor came across a small metal shield splashed with blood and dirt. As his hands snapped it up he knew this was his chance to change the tide of their duel.

The next blazing attacks were deflected, and as the Healthian General rushed forward Hounder had little time to react.

Drephor jumped and lifted up his shield. Hounder reached for his sword, but Drephor smashed down upon his helmeted face before he could find it. Stunned by an unbearable ringing in his ears, Hounder stumbled back.

Hounder quickly realized this would ultimately be a battle of steel and, while holding his head with one hand, with the other he yanked out his heavy blade for the last time.

Going forth again armed with shield and sword, Drephor was ready to end this.

Their swords met again, and clanked against each other repeatedly. Shouts and groans came from both of them as their bodies were tired and sore, but the bash of steel on steel was even louder

Suddenly becoming mobile, Hounder stepped back and raised his sword. A huge whoosh flew past Drephor and almost sliced his neck. Hounder spun around and swiped at him again and again. Drephor dodged and ducked but an attempt at blocking the huge force with his shield resulted in him being knocked to the ground.

With the formidable figure of his foe approaching him quickly, Drephor desperately grabbed hold of a rock and he hurled it at Hounder's head.

It met its target and Hounder was blinded momentarily as his helmet shifted over his eyes.

But by the time Drephor had gotten back to his feet, Hounder was upon him again, and the huge heavy sword came down upon Drephor with all of Hounder's might.

Drephor lunged his shield up but it was no match at all. Pain shot through his arms and his legs buckled, and his head whacked the dirt. His shield fell beside him with a huge dent in the middle, and Hounder laughed.

That surely would have been the end, if a young boy with hair of fire had not run up to kick Hounder in the shin.

"Leave him alone!"

Hounder easily batted him away with his arm and Zamny tumbled to the ground.

"Hey! Don't touch me!" he screamed.

A tiny fireball flew from his hands and splashed against Hounder's chestplate.

"Little pest!" Hounder growled. "Leave me to my prey..."

"He's no prey! He's my big bro!"

The two generals froze at those words. As Drephor looked over to see the small boy, he was filled with horror as he recognized his face. And Hounder could not believe his luck.

"Zamny?" Drephor gasped. "Get out of here!"

"No bro! I will save you!"

He charged up a fiery attack in his little hands.

"This is too good," Hounder said calmly, almost to himself.

Sheathing his sword and preparing to walk forward, Hounder charged up a watery ball for the purpose of snuffing this kid's fire.

"Leave him alone!" Drephor screamed desperately, grabbing at Hounder's leg, but his hands were kicked away. "Zamny! You idiot! Run!!!"

A watery attack came at Zamny, but the speedy boy easily jumped to the side, and the fire between his hands continued to grow.

"I'll prove myself to you bro! I'll prove I can fi-"

He rolled out of the way of another attack from Hounder. Hounder snarled, and Zamny growled back trying to look fierce, but of course failed. Drephor almost cried. His brother's naivety would get him killed.

An angry Hounder quickly created more attacks, and launched them at Zamny left and right, up and down, but nothing connected. He was just too small and agile.

Hounder figured he had toyed with him long enough, and ripped out his huge sword, striding forward towards Zamny ready to cut him in half.

"Bring it on big guy!" Zamny yelled.

His little heart raced. This was it. He knew his own power. He knew he was special. He knew he had incredible power. And he was sick of never being given a chance. He screamed loudly and his hands separated. Fire crept down his neck from his hair, and up his arms from his hands. The fire took to his body like it was fuel and Hounder almost froze in his tracks.

Now Zamny was ready. His fire was on the outside, instead of in his heart. Nothing would stop him now. He was gonna lay it on this guy who had threatened his family and friends and home.

He raised his hands at Hounder, and a thick stream of fire flew out and smacked Hounder in the head, engulfing his helmet until he couldn't breathe, and he fell to his knees.

Ripping off the helmet and dousing the flames, Hounder gasped for air.

Zamny's hands glowed. Before Hounder had time to do anything, a thick wave of fire shot along the ground and knocked Hounder into the air, and he fell to the ground hard with a loud clank.

Excerpt from Universes - Let's Fight!

Oh hai.

Welcome back. :) *lights fireplace, warms room for you*

Battles are one of the hardest things to write in a story like mine. There is a fight or battle in almost every chapter of my story and often the focus of a chapter is around a battle.

It's times like that where i wish i were making a movie and not writing a book. I can't use lighting and camera angles and music and sounds and just plain bashing and sword-swiping. I only have words, and have to try very hard to not be repetitive.

Fights can get very complicated. You have a million things to get across to the reader - the light and time of day, the ground, the surroundings, the soldiers, formations, weapons, armour, sounds, tactics, leaders, and most importantly, the characters you follow. You don't want to confuse the reader, and especially don't want to bore them by saying 'this happens, then that happens, then he does this, and the other dude does this back'.

I'm gonna post a part of a battle today, though it's more of a duel. And i'm not asking for ass-kissing in this post. I'm looking for advice. I want to know what works and what doesn't, and in the latter case, what i could do to improve. Please? :)

Quick lesson: in case you hadn't figured it out by now, the weapons are swords etc. And the soldiers also fight with their 'powers'. Heatians have firepowers, Speedians are super-quick etc.

Also, i realize this excerpt may be a bit hard to understand because there is just so much info you would need to know for it to make sense, but view it as a piece of writing rather than a story. :)

If you want me to explain something, just ask me in the comments.

KK...

There is a battle in the Health World for the outpost of Ranphar which the shadows have just claimed. It has a warp point within so it is important for quick army movement.

Drephor the General (I think 'General' has a capital 'G') has led an army towards Ranphar in the hope of reclaiming it. He wasn't counting of the shadow General Hounder being there though, who in a short time has become one of the most feared shadows around, and is leading the assault on the Health World.

They have met once before, but Drephor fled, so Hounder has made it his own mission to hunt his enemy equal down and kill him.

I start with Hounder leaving Ranphar and heading towards the battle, and then i cut to him facing Drephor.

There is also an appearance by Drephor's (very) young, hyperactive, but beyond strong, little step-brother.



...


Hounder didn’t need any guards by his side. He marched assertively towards the battle on his own, head-to-toe in spiny gold armour. His sword-hand was twitching at the thought of finally having a battle after so long and his heart was pumping…

He’d also heard that Drephor was here…

He was looking forward to a mighty duel after Drephor had run away at the Prephleen Bridge last time… Perhaps he might finally meet someone worthy of dying by his sword…

* * * (I jumped forward a bit) * * *

“I won’t be running this time," Drephor said. "This time, I am ready.”

“Let’s hope so…”

For a moment they both eyed each other and gripped their swords. Then Drephor broke and walked forward towards his enemy.

His allies did the same. They reengaged the shadows and the shadows fought back, but they all left Drephor and Hounder alone.

Hounder raised his sword and took a big swipe at Drephor.

Their two swords clashed above their heads. They pushed against each other hard but neither of them budged. Hounder tried to punch Drephor in the stomach with his heavy hand but Drephor jumped back and their swords parted.

“You still haven’t seen what I’m capable of, Drephor. The tales do me no justice.”

“Well I want to find out.”

Drephor ran forward again and jumped up, turning and swinging his sword around, slicing Hounder’s shoulder in a gap in his armour. Hounder swiped his sword around but Drephor dodged and moved back.

“… Impressive,” Hounder growled.

Hounder sheathed his sword and planted his feet firmly on the ground.

He held his hands outwards. His left hand started to glow red. The right glowed blue.

A fireball shot from Hounder’s left palm towards Drephor’s head. He ducked, but then a waterball came at him from further down. He rolled to the side as it passed him by and smashed into the ground beside him.

Drephor jumped up again. Hounder lashed at him with a water whip from his right hand. Drephor whacked it with his sword and the whip curled around the blade. He pulled back and Hounder was tugged forward.

The whip disappeared and Hounder started charging up in his left hand again.

Drephor quickly scanned the ground and found a small metal shield. He lifted it up and faced it at his enemy.

Hounder shot the ground with a blast of fire. Drephor jumped over as much as he could but flames clawed at his feet. Hounder charged up another ball as Drephor ran forward. He launched it, as Drephor was metres from him.

Drephor deflected the fireball, and then lifted up his shield. Hounder reached for his sword, but Drephor smashed him in his helmeted face and he was knocked back. He held his head as the loud ringing in his ears subsided, and then his hand reached for his sword again and yanked it out.

Hounder walked forward and took another big swipe at Drephor. Drephor dodged and knocked the sword to the side with his shield. Hounder brought his sword around again and tried to take out Drephor’s legs, but Drephor jumped back and the end of the sword just sliced the skin on his shins.

Hounder shot the ground around Drephor with a gush of water, and he fell onto his side, and Hounder walked forward and charged up a fireball.

Drephor quickly tried to get up again and he got to his hands and knees… Then his hand nudged a big rock and he wrapped his fingers around it.

When Hounder got closer he looked up and hurled the rock at his head. Hounder tried to bat it away but with his armour he was a little too slow and the rock clonked him in the side of the head. He stumbled back and Drephor jumped up and ran forward again. Hounder composed himself fast and raised his sword.

Drephor tried to hit Hounder with his shield again, but this time Hounder slammed it with his heavy blade, and he fell to the ground.

Hounder lifted up his sword and brought it down towards his enemy swiftly. Drephor lifted his shield up one more time, and the steel crashed against it.

The shield dropped to the ground beside him with a large dent in the middle, and Drephor lay there with his arms in pain.

“Goodbye, son of the Health World.”

Hounder went to lift his sword one more time and grinned…

Just then, a boy ran in front of him and kicked Hounder in the shin.

“Leave him alone!”

Hounder easily batted him away with his arm and Zamny fell to the ground.

“Hey! Nobody touches me!”

Zamny held up his hands and giggled.

“And nobody touches my big bro!”

A thick stream of fire flew from his hands and smacked Hounder in the head. Fire engulfed his helmet and he fell to his knees.

Hounder ripped off his helmet and doused the flames with water. Then he sat there blankly for a moment, breathing heavily. He looked up, and Zamny was standing there with his hands on fire, looking at him.

Drephor groaned and looked over at his little brother.

“…What do you think you are doing?”

“I’m saving your ass!” yelled his tinny voice.

Hounder got up again and held out his right hand.

“Your brother? This is too good…”

Hounder shot a waterball at Zamny, but he easily jumped to the side and it passed him by.

“Dodgeball! I love this game!”

“Imbecile!”

Hounder shot another ball at him. Zamny jumped over it and giggled…

“Too slow!”

“Gaaah!”

Hounder shot more waterballs at him but Zamny ducked and dodged each one.

“Your turn!”

Zamny’s hands glowed briefly, and then a huge wave of fire shot towards his enemy. Hounder was thrown into the air and he landed against the hard ground with a loud clank.

“I win!”