Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Excerpt from Universes - The Prephleen Bridge Pt2.

Oh hai. *settles back into chair*

I'm back! Yay. And we can finally finish the scene.

These posts take a lot of work, so i was enjoying my break. But now they continue. Enjoy!



I rewrote a lot of this, but some parts you will probably able to tell i just copy and pasted from the original. :D



I strongly suggest you read the previous post, before this one, as this is Part 2 of the Prephleen Bridge scene.

Stuff you should know:
- In case i haven't mentioned this, the Stonians' power is telekinesis.

- There's a small part in here with a character called Xeros the Speedian and it seems like he comes from nowhere, but you have to remember that he's actually a main character of the story, so if you were reading the thing as a whole you would know who Xeros is quite well.

- There was a new group of elite soldiers formed recently called the Border Patrol. And their job is to basically... protect the edge of the allies' territory... or something. lol

- Dorph was given a weapon by his mother before he came to the bridge. It is Siniztar, a black-bladed short sword/long knife. It used to belong to his father (deceased), after he claimed it from a fearsome shadow general that rode wyverns.

- Dorph also has a terrible fear of dragons...



...

With their hearts thumping and hands on the hilts of their swords, Sydney and her team-mates ran for the bridge to stand with their allies. Dorph instinctively grabbed Sydney's hand, and Sydney squeezed her boyfriend's fingers so hard it hurt.

Together, the whole group waited anxiously at the edge of their battlefield; the hard strip of ancient stone before them, between two short thick walls. On Sydney's left were the other two captains, Alkan and Carlon with their team-mates, and ahead of everyone was Drephor.

The general was in battle mode now. His eyes darted around, taking in everything around him. In his mind he ticked over the powers he had supporting him and how he could use them to his advantage. He pondered what he would be facing soon, and for a moment he prayed he and his soldiers would have enough combined strength to finish their mission.

But then he snapped out of praying, wishing and thinking, and he just knew they would. Losing was not a possibility now.

Drephor withdrew his sword and felt the familiar rush of power. He was ready.

From the darkness, the first sign of the shadows was the glint of their steel, from the faltering light of the torches lining the bridge. As soon as they came into view, Drephor sized them up.

"A large scouting group," Carlon stated, and Drephor nodded.

"Too easy," Alkan said to his team-mates.

But for a scouting group, it was a large one. The allied soldiers would be facing foes equal to their own numbers, at least.

Drephor stepped forward and faced his soldiers. “Yes, the shadows may have grown stronger. They’ve gained more power, and they’re high on their lust for blood... but we have gotten angrier! They’ve terrorised our civilians and slain our friends and families! So if they think they can take our land without a problem they’ve got another thing coming! No shadows have ever taken over the Health World before and we’re not about to let them! We're the first thing between them and our loved ones and land. So show no hesitation! Don’t let fear stay your hand! Send these creeps to the hells they belong in with one nightmare of a farewell!”

The shadow soldiers came into the light, shouting, and ran at the allies with their weapons raised. Drephor was first off the mark, charging to meet their fight. His soldiers soon joined him, and the two sides clashed in the middle of the bridge.

Dorph whipped out Siniztar for the first time in battle, and he had a confidence he’d never experienced before. Like it was feeding him strength, he ran into the shadows, and just like he’d hoped, his blade sliced through their robes and skin like butter.

Sydney jumped up onto the wall of the bridge and blasted the horde of shadows with fireballs. As a shadow ran at her feet, Sydney got ready to jump down, but her attacker was sliced down the back with Dorph's black blade.

Drephor pushed his way to the front and whipped through his enemies in a whirlwind of slashes from his blade. No foe could touch him. His silver sword shone under the fiery glow of fire and the black blood flew from it, not even leaving a trace, until he was on the other side of the shadow group.

“Drephor!" Sydney yelled from her vantage-point. "Even more are coming! I can see them!”

“You sure?" the general yelled back.

“Yep!” Sydney was cut short as she lost her balance and fell back into the fight.

Another troop of shadows approached the bridge. It was obvious they weren't scouts, because they were fitted with armour they'd scraped together from their fallen Healthian enemies, their weapons were long and sharp, and the shadows themselves were built and angry.

Drephor was sandwiched between the two enemy groups, and glanced around for a way to escape. Deciding to jump up onto the wall, he raced back along it until he was near his soldiers again.

“This is better," he muttered to himself. Then he shouted, "Everyone! You just have to hold out a bit longer! I’m sure what I'm waiting for will appear soon!”

Drephor surveyed what was happening before him... Unfortunately, no matter how good his soldiers were, they would eventually all be overcome and killed. He hoped that his gamble would pay off. He could see people dying around him, and he didn’t want their deaths in this fight to be for nothing.

A voice came from behind him, “Drephor!”

“Huh?”

Selpha and her soldiers hurried towards the bridge from the camp. Drephor couldn't help the smirk that appeared on his face as his tired soldiers were bolstered with Selpha's forces.

As Selpha neared the general, she said, “You should’ve told me they were here! Hope we didn’t miss out on too much of the action!”

"I believe there's still quite a fight ahead of us," he answered. "Thanks," he added after a pause.

"Anytime, General," she responded, with a quick smile.

The battle was going favourably for Drephor's forces now and soon the remaining shadows on the bridge would be dead. Drephor just had to wait for one more thing - And what happened next gave him the feeling that he wouldn’t have to wait much longer.

Beyond the bridge Drephor could see large numbers of shadows moving in; their numbers stretching back into the night as far as he could see.

The enemies closed in while the allied soldiers still held the bridge, but before the shadows set foot on the stone a loud voice called out, and a shadow head-to-toe in spiny gold armour, stepped forward. He had a grin on his face, and you could see the excitement rushing through his body. He lifted his hand and was about to give the order for his troops to charge, when he eyed Drephor, now sitting on the stone wall of the bridge. What luck for this shadow general, that one of his greatest targets was within metres of him.

Drephor got up, ran along the wall, and jumped down to face the new arrivals. He was the only one between them and his own soldiers, and he wanted it that way. This golden-armoured foe had to be the one person he’d been waiting for all this time.

This was of great delight to the shadow in gold. Was the enemy general he’d heard so much about going to challenge him? His hand crept down to the large sword at his side.

Drephor raised his hand. “Wait! I want to speak to you first."

“Oh you do?” replied Drephor's match, as his plated hand left his sword's hilt. “Go ahead... general."

“Do you know who I am?”

“Ha! The arrogance in your eyes and the faked hope on your face is amusing but revealing. You can only be one of the two sons. Please tell, is your name Skorph or Drephor?”

“I am Drephor, general of the Health World.”

“Ahh, good. That is good to know. I hope your experience will give my troops a good fight.”

“Oh we will in time... But, what is your experience?”

“I've conquered many of your bases while-”

“Oh! So it is you?”

“What?”

“Hounder! That’s you! I always know who is responsible for the loss of our soldiers, and your name kept coming up!”

“Hmmm. I underestimated you Drephor. You already know more than I thought you would. Yes, I am Hounder, and that name will endure the rest of time, for I will be the one to conquer this world.”

“I’ll see to it that you never will.”

“Yes, well, good for you," retorted Hounder. "Now, are you ready to fight?”

“Ha... Who said WE were going to fight?”

Drephor glanced over his shoulder. Like he expected, Selpha was behind him. He gave her a nod and she nodded back.

“You little...” Hounder growled.

Drephor yelled, “Retreat!”

Drephor turned and ran, and his soldiers ahead of him did the same. Selpha directed them down the river while Sydney waited for Drephor.

But Hounder got his troops together and pursued them.

“You fool Drephor!" Hounder raged. "Nobody runs from me! Send in the wyvern!”

The Healthian General froze in his tracks.

“What’s wrong?” Sydney asked.

“Wyvern," Drephor said simply with his eyes wide open.

A screech shook the ground and there was a huge slamming noise just ahead of the soldiers.

A big, pale green flying beast cut the group off right before the warp point.

“Selpha! What do we do?” Alkan stammered.

“We need to get to the warp point but that's-”

There was another screech and the soldiers nearby stepped back, some with their hands over their ears in pain.

The scaly beast approached them with its huge, almost translucent wings lifted. Its triangular head at the end of its long, smooth neck was raised and was baring its sharp teeth. It had small claw-like hands that looked like they could grab hold of anything and rip it apart with ease, and its huge black eyes drilled even more fear into its enemies.

“Hold strong! Selpha ordered. She now had her double-edged sword out at her side. "If we don't stand together, we don’t have a chance!”

Drephor stood next to Selpha, while the team captains gathered their friends.

“Oh geez! That’s worse than any dragon I’ve ever seen!” Dorph whimpered, while he stood there frozen and shaking.

Sydney held Dorph tight in her arm. “It’s okay Dorphy. You’ve got wyvern-slaying blood in your veins, remember?”

"Mm."

Alkan asked the obvious question to the one person he thought might be able to answer it.

“Drephor! How do we kill that thing?”

The general was silent and didn’t respond.

Selpha whacked him in the back of the head.

“Don’t you dare go all quiet on us again! We need you!”

“I... just... I don't know, cut it! Blast it! Chop its head off! I haven’t seen a wyvern in decades!”

“Well, doesn’t that fill us with confidence,” Neo said quietly.

The beast roared one more time, then it lurched forward, ready to barge into the group.

“This is it! Kill the beast!” Selpha yelled.

Ramming straight into the right side of the group, it slammed into the soldiers and knocked them into the air or to the ground, but the others nearby with weapons sliced it as it ran past.

As it passed and turned around to strike again, it was hit by a series of fire blasts and waterballs. They splashed against its scaly skin and dissipated, but it took special care not to get its wings hit, as it used them to gain speed.

Alkan, the Stonian captain, and two of his Stonian team-mates ran to the side and hurled a few large rocks at the wyvern. The first two whizzed by its head but the third hit it in the body as it ran forward. There was a loud screech and it stopped in its tracks and shook... Then it eyed the Stonians.

It hurled itself forward and as it met the three soldiers, it swept them up into the air with its huge wings. Then gravity took effect and they hit the ground hard.

While Alkan was still on the ground groaning the wyvern walked forward, and when Alkan opened his eyes the beast was above and its huge open jaws were bearing down upon him.

“Uh-oh...”



“Aim at the wings! Damage them and it will lose its speed," Drephor yelled.

“Okay, come on Neo," Sydney said as she grabbed his hand and pulled him aside.

Sydney and Neo charged up and shot their attacks at the same time towards the beast's wings, but as the beast finished with Alkan it quickly turned around and their attacks hit it in the face, bouncing off its scales.

It screeched again and charged them.

“Aah! Split!” Sydney screamed.

She ducked to the left and Neo jumped to the right, but the wyvern headed for Sydney.

Dorph quickly ran in between them with Siniztar.

“Dorph! No!”

“I have-”

The wyvern halted and roared at him, just metres from his face and Dorph dropped the knife.

“Uhhh,” Dorph wailed.

Its claw-like hands grabbed him and lifted him off the ground. He was about to meet the same fate as Alkan when there was a whoosh underneath them and Dorph fell to the ground. Xeros had chopped off one of the beast's arms, saving Dorph’s life, but now the wyvern was angry and started screaming and flinging its wings around, hitting everyone nearby and blasting those further back with harsh gusts of wind.

It lifted itself up into the air and roared, then eyed the biggest group of soldiers, which included Drephor, Selpha and Carlon.

“Raise your swords,” Selpha fumed. “If we’re going down we’re taking that monster with us.”

The wyvern raised its wings and was about to shoot through the air and slam into them, when from the darkness behind the group, dozens of fire balls and water balls battered and slammed the wyvern's wings, and it crashed to the ground screeching.

“What the?” Drephor turned around and his eyes were met by a familiar face. A Powerian male with a silver metal mace stood ahead of a group of dozens of soldiers, all wearing silver capes.

“When we heard you were coming here, we thought you might need our help, Drephor," the leader said. "The Border Patrol is at your service."

“You couldn't have come at a better time, Dracu," The general replied exhaustedly.

“Now come! To the warp point everyone!” Selpha ordered hastily. "We have to get out of here!"

...

Everyone escapes bla bla bla. :)

The Prephleen Bridge scene sets up the duel that Drephor and Hounder later have. :)

Now leave feedback!

20 comments:

Deadwing said...

Another great piece of writing. Thanks for posting it for us. :)

Highwayman said...

Looks good, but here are a few feedback items:
1)From the darkness, the first sign of their shadows was the glint of their steel, which came from the faltering light of the torches lining the bridge.
2)But for a scouting group, it was a large one. I would take the word "but" out.
3)“Yes, the shadows may have grown stronger. I see this as an incomplete sentence. this is the way I would put it.
“Yes, the shadows may have grown stronger, gained more power, and they’re high on their lust for blood... but we have gotten angrier!"
4)It was obvious they weren't scouts, because they were fitted with armour they'd scraped together from their fallen Healthian enemies, their weapons were long and sharp, and the shadows themselves were built and angry.
It seems like this might be a run-on sentence. I would break it into two sentences by putting a period after enemies and capitalizing Their.
5)Other than that, it looks pretty good. I can clearly see that your writing style is improving, even as you take us through this scene.
I look forward to the next installment.

Jay said...

Hi Mb, I agree with Highwayman, a good piece of work. It flows well and the reader is taken along by the pace of the action. Well done.

Jay

Baz said...

A good piece of writing, style gets better every time you post.
Highwayman makes good feedback points.
A few grammatical points.
1 “ticked over” is usually taken to mean background thoughts, rather than active thoughts. You could just use “thought over”.
2 “first sign of their shadows”. Shouldn’t this be “the shadows”. Very different meanings.
3 “shadows themselves were built and angry”. Built of, built like? It’s a verb.
4 “shadow head to toe in…” Clad / covered head to toe.
5 “Alkan asked the obvious question to…” You can address a question to someone, or ask a question of them.
6 “chopped off one of beast’s arms” Should that read “of the beast’s”?
Traditionally, wyverns do not have hands. Their wings are derived from the fore limbs, much like a bat, and this implies chopping a wing off.
It flows well, and takes the reader along nicely.

Mirrorboy said...

Thanks guys. I went back and fixed a few of the major grammatical errors. :)

*facepalm*

Moar plz?

:)

Planetx_123 said...

I followed the action well, and got a good sense of everything. There were a couple places where I felt 'it' was being used a lot. It wasn't really noticeable, but I was trying to read it critically, and when there are many redundant references to the same pronoun it sticks out a bit. I really liked, and this is true of all the excerpts the visual sense of the action. It was interesting and easy to follow. The only part I didn't understand is what happened to the shadow troops, etc. that were perusing them after the dragon attacked? Did they just go home or did I just miss this?

Very nice indeed-

Much Love,
Steve

Mirrorboy said...

Sorry about 'it'. That could be fixed though.

Once the wyvern attacked i guess the shadows just waited and watched as it attacked the good guys. They expected it to finish them off so they didn't need to join in. :)

Thanks Steve. :)

John/USA said...

CMB, very good, been waiting ages for the follow up to Pt.1 !
Yes, afew minor mistakes but the story flows well !
Thanks for putting it up ! Joh?USA

John said...

CMB, ha ha ya got me excited spelled me name wrong !
See ya, John

Anonymous said...

Man I want to go back and read the first part now. You've captured what I think a lot of writers wish that they could and that is a world of your own. That's the thing about fantasy type fiction that I like, is that it is so different from our world and yet holds on to some basic things that make us human. This has been the first really pleasurable reading I've done in while (fiction wise).


Matt

Anonymous said...

MB,

I've got some beef, so don't get all thin skinned on me...

I wasn't very impressed with this post, among the errors already addressed you've had some other common mistakes...

The biggest problem is the work seemed difficult to read, I cant put my finger on it, and I've read it 4 times, I keep getting sidetracked, the excerpt doesn't seem smooth. This isnt necessarily a problem, it could just be my interpretation...

couple of literary errors...
-he had a confidence he’d never experienced before. Like it was feeding him strength, he ran into the shadows, and just like he’d hoped, his blade sliced through their robes and skin like butter.

add "like it was feeding him strength" to the first sentence, and start a new one with "He ran into.."

-His silver sword shone under the fiery glow of fire

Its repetitive, like saying "watery moisture of water" try using "orange glow" instead, or something similar...

-“You sure?" the general yelled back.

Impersonal classification. If you are going to refer to Drephor, call him Drephor in dialogue scenes, not the general.

-the shadows themselves were built and angry

Baz is wrong, 'built' is also an adjective, however, I suggest you use another word to describe the shadows simply b/c 'built' sounds odd in that context, every time I've read the excerpt I paused on that word...

-Beyond the bridge Drephor could see large numbers of shadows moving in

Wrong structure... Your basically saying that Drephor is beyond the bridge and could see shadows moving in. I think u wanted to say "Drephor could see large numbers of shadows beyond the bridge"

-The arrogance in your eyes and the faked hope

Meh... Is it 'faked hope' or 'false hope?' Depends on what you mean, and it's not necessarily wrong but I think 'false' would make more sense in the context

-Drephor/Hounder dialogue

The dialogue is too long for you to just have that kind of banter, you need to interject some "he said" fragments... This part was hard to follow.

-The scaly beast approached them with its huge, almost translucent wings lifted.

Good simple sentence, lol, less IS more. I like it.

-They splashed against its scaly skin and dissipated, but it took special care not to get its wings hit, as it used them to gain speed.

Instead of 'they' use 'water balls.' instead of 'it' use 'the dragon.' Every time you write something consider practicing this rule... "If you can remove the words 'it, they, them, or that' and replace them with conservative detail, the sentence will be more palatable"
Ask yourself if you can delete those words and still achieve clarity. If so, kill them. The same can be said of all sentences. If you can delete a word without changing the meaning or sacrificing clarity, do it.

-While Alkan was still on the ground groaning the wyvern walked forward, and when Alkan opened his eyes the beast was above and its huge open jaws were bearing down upon him. “Uh-oh...”

THAT'S IT?! Was that meant to be comic relief??? PLEASE god expound on this event, the Wyvern just killed a 'Named Character.' Even if he is a nobody, you have to have more detail than that... You can do so much with that 'scene' in the story...

I feel like a dick with all the problems i pointed out, but I really do feel like this excerpt was rushed and unpolished, you've written better before...

Your simplicity is getting a lot better tho, you don't sound pretentious at all, which is a very good thing, it gives ur work engagement factor.

I still cant put my finger on why this work sticks out to me as rough and hard to read, I will read it again after work, and see if I can pinpoint it... Maybe someone else can address it...

Anywayz, chin up, and keep on the grind...

cvn70 said...

mboy

overall i thought it was good and read well for me but a couple of thngs

"Send these creeps to the hells they belong in with one nightmare of a farewell!”

the word creeps it does not work for me how about "heathens", "piles of shit" or something like that that protrays them as more evil or hated also should ther be a "where" between hells and they in the sentence

thanks, take care and be safe

bob

J said...

All you need is a copy editor It would be easier if each of us had a draft which we could edit and send back to you. Anyway, I suggest you take every sentence, strike superfluous words from it to increase the velocity of the action, and ask yourself if any descriptive word or phrase is ordinary, cliched or otherwise inappropriate. For example, let's take two of your paragraphs, and I'll bracket the troubled words and insert new ones:
The general was in battle mode(now). His eyes (darted around, taking in everything around him) ricocheted over the terrain(In his mind he ticked over the powers he had supporting him and how he could use them to his advantage) as he calculated where each unit and its arms could be inserted,like the pieces of a cosmic Chinese cross puzzle.(He pondered what.........was not a possibility.) He was calm and clinical in the certitude that at the end of this day he would win and live or he would die.

Some words stand out as inappropriate in context, like "faked" as opposed to false, or "sandwiched", and subordinates don't whack their commanders in the head. You should also be careful about using phrases like "going down", which read like popular colloquialisms.
I hate to say it, but there is no substitute for going through your text word by word and phrase by phrase, all the time asking yourself if it could be improved upon. And once that is done you should read each scene in its entirely to be sure the action flows and makes sense. Practice makes perfect.

tom bombadil said...

OK, you seem to write like I used to, until I have began learning at an internationl bachloreate (spelt wrong I know) school, where techer majorly improve my english, so I can understand your technique.

What I can say to help is to read brilliantly worded pieces of literature, such as frankanstein (which I'm reading now for english). The wording techniques really rub off in you long term, regardless if the genre of text isn't your favorit. There is a vast difference between the sentence structure in Frankenstein then in the eragon series (which is what yours sounds more like).

I absolutely agree with J's comment on having a draft which we can annotate and return to you.
The reason I'm not really giving direct feedback is that I've forgotten the part I wanted to comment on, since reading the rest of the story and the other coments.

I did notice that you used geez. Is this relavent in the story setting?

I also noticed you used aah, and uugh (something like them) that are more sounds. Instead of direcly writing the words, you could consider doing the following:

“Uhhh,” Dorph wailed

to..

Dorph wailed in fear as.. (start of the next sentence)

On another note, I think I know what you were intending with the words faked hope. {Is it not implying he is putting it on to inspire moral?}
So false hope would be wrong, but I suggest using pretended hope. It flows more.

Anyway, email me an extract next time, and i can annotate it and reply it back :)

Hayden.

tombombadillo@live.com.au

TY for reading, one of your newly acquired australian followers.

Baz said...

@Randy
"Baz is wrong, 'built' is also an adjective, however, I suggest you use another word to describe the shadows simply b/c 'built' sounds odd in that context, every time I've read the excerpt I paused on that word..."
Slap on the wrist! Yes it is an adjective, but in that context it is still missing a description their build, e.g."heavily built". Maybe that's why you kept pausing there?

Mr McCabbage said...

This reads well, everything is there (and really quite excellent) but it seems a bit too objective and leisurely, for a battle. Instead of "faked hope" how about "fake confidence". Mention perhaps the awful odour of the wyvern and the mud and grass its hind feet kick up. Some action too for its tail .. It may help to let battle scenes simmer, reworking them occasionally. Again what you could try is old fashioned poetic metre.

Col said...

Well, I thoroughly enjoyed that! As usual there's some excellent feedback for you too. Thanks Mboy :)

Mirrorboy said...

I doubt many of you will read my replies but i will still make them. :)

I'm so awesome.

@John - wow you took a step into the world of commenting haha. Thanks. :)

@RC/Matt - Awww thanks so much. :D

Very very true about human qualities. :)

@Randy - You'll have to pay for the surgery to fix the new one i've had ripped by you. :P

Well, i suppose the most positive thing i can say is that you've got a problem with my grammar and word choice etc, on not that my story sucks or doesn't make sense or something.

Btw, it was NOT meant to be comic relief when Alkan died. lol just clarifying.

You are right for most of those things tho and it's my bad.

Thanks. :)

@bob - I don't swear in this story. 'Shit' really doen't have a place in my literary masterpiece. ;)

Also, you're wrong about the 'where'. It's unecessary. lol

Thanks anyway.

@J - If only i had one. :P

You're right, of course. I can only hope to get better with time. As you said, practice makes perfect. :)

Selpha and Drephor are old friends, so isn't if okay if she gives him a whack? lol

Thanks pal. :P

@tb - Yes yes yes you are right!'{Is it not implying he is putting it on to inspire moral?}'

That was the point and that's why i didn't use 'false hope'. You gets it! :D

Also, looking back, 'Dorph wailed...' would have been a better choice. Thanks. :)

@Mr McC - It would have been good if i included more senses in the wyvern battle. The tail thing would have been good too but i've used dragon tails in action before so i try not to get too repetitive. :)

@Col - Thank you Col! lol.

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