Friday, April 3, 2009

Excerpt from Universes - The Prephleen Bridge Pt1.

Oh hai.

The following takes place soon before 'Rewrite - Let's Fight.'

What i'm gonna post is actually fairly long so i'll post half today, and the other half soon.

The purpose of this excerpt was to familiarise the reader with Drephor (the Healthian general) who is a new character at this point, and to introduce Hounder (the big bad shadow general) to both the good guys of the story, and the reader.

I cut out some of the dialogue because it was unecessary for this post.

I also know it sounds funny when Drephor says 'yes' at the end of a sentence sometimes, but that's his 'thing'. I try to give most characters a certain word or way of speaking that they use a lot.

KK...

There's a war starting in the Health World. Shadows are approaching the Healthian cities and outposts. The good guys' army has managed to hold onto everything between the capital city of Duphontain, and the huge Prephleen River. Drephor, a few followers and 3 teams of fighters (one of which consists of our main characters) approach a camp in close vicinity to the lone bridge across the river. Drephor's tactics are all about information, and that's why he's here. Not for blood, but info.

Female Heatian Sydney is the leader of our main characters' team. She's very prominent in the story, as are all the characters in this team. Healthian Dorph is Sydney's boyfriend. Male Waterian Neo is another teammate. Marc is the former captain of the team, taking a break from his duties so Sydney's in charge. There are also Lightian Jack and Speedian Xeros.

The leaders of the other 2 teams are Alkan (a Stonian) and Carlon (a Powerian).



This takes place during the night.

Please leave feedback.

...

Drephor and his group could soon see their next destination, a small camp on a short hill before the grand Prephleen River. Tents and small buildings lined the fire in the middle, and guards were patrolling the area to keep watch, with weapons in their hands.

The general addressed his people before they approached, “This is a small but important camp, for the reason that if anyone wants to cross the Prephleen River they have to pass by here, or they have to be damn good swimmers, for near here is the only way across the river. This is the edge of our territory at the moment, because from what i could gather from talking to people who'd fled, outposts past here are empty, or the people in them are dead... The fact that the people here at the camp are still alive is a good sign on its own, for it means that everyone behind us is still yet to encounter the enemy.”

“So, you’re saying that the enemy army, or at least the bulk of it, has to pass through here to get into our territory?” Sydney asked.

“Yes, that's true," Drephor answered.

“...Then what the hell are we doing here?”

“We're here to gather information.”

“Okay. Well, after that? We head back to the capital?”

“Yes. There is a warp point not too far from here... and we take the guards at the camp here back with us too, understood?”

“Understood, General,” everyone replied.

“Okay everyone!" Drephor shouted. "We’re heading up to the camp now. Once there, you should be able to see the Prephleen River and the bridge that we’ll be watching. I will explain things better once we get there...”

* * *

“Oh, yeah! It’s so good to be back in the warm again!” Sydney sighed, and she ran over to the fire.

Dorph was reluctant to leave her side and headed after her.

While the group members came into the encampment and most of them headed for the warmth of the fire, Drephor found the leader of the camp, a Healthian woman by the name of Selpha with a double-ended sword at her back.

“Selpha! It’s nice to see you again," Drephor said, but he was too concerned to show any happiness on his face.

“I would say the same, Dreph, but your arrival can only mean that we are in danger, can’t it?”

“I’m afraid so... You’ll have to be ready to leave, and take your soldiers with you, on my word.”

“As always, that is the case. Are we to head for Duphontain?”

“Yes, but don’t leave yet... just, prepare.”

“Understood, Drephor. Is there anything I can help with?”

"Not yet."

* * *

Drephor gathered his soldiers near the fire and told them of the plan.

“This is the situation and what we're gonna do. We are at the edge of our safe territory, which makes us at the edge of our enemy’s as well. Everyone behind us is safe. Any allies ahead of us are dead... What we know and can use to our advantage is that the enemy army has to pass over that bridge," Drephor said, pointing at the dark bridge outline, "to get into our land. We are here to gather information, see if we can get a read on any generals, and assess the enemy’s servants. If we encounter any trouble, we have the combined strength of all of us along with the soldiers of this camp, led by the formidable Selpha, on our side. When we’ve seen enough, on my word, we run for the nearest warp point. It’s hidden, so you’ll have to follow me... If something happens to me however, follow Selpha’s orders. If by some awful twist of fate, we both die, run for your lives. It’s not too far from here to the capital. I'm sure you get the idea. Now, follow me. We’ll find a spot near the bridge and wait. Selpha and her troops will finish at the camp and prepare to move out, but they’ll wait for us, yes?”

Drephor led his people down to the edge of the river, and they all settled in amongst the shrubs and bushes at the bank.

The river ran hard and fast but made little noise. Still, apart from everyone’s voices and shuffles, it was the only noise they could hear. Every now and then, the water would splash up and hit someone on the river’s edge, but it seemed almost in a playful way.

The groups sat there for a long time near the big stone bridge. Around the area, the ground was dry, dirty and muddy. White grass used to flourish near the river but most of it had disappeared. Skeletons of old trees and plants littered the banks, probably having been swept down by the current.

In the mud were several sets of footprints which Drephor had been examining for quite a while.

“Something else has been here... recently, but it didn’t linger. Someone go and get Selpha for me.”

Xeros sped up to the edge of the camp, and brought back the captain. Drephor met her further up the embankment than the rest of his soldiers.

“Have you had any reports of anything out of the ordinary?” Drephor asked.

Selpha paused. “I can’t say I have. If my soldiers had seen something I would be the first to know.”

“Okay... Have you heard any unusual sounds?”

“Like what?”

“Like roars, growls, snarls?”

“Umm... There may have been something.”

“When?”

“A few hours before you arrived.”

“What was it?”

“It was like a whistling... I thought it might just be the wind, because the weather has been upset since the shadows moved in.”

“But there has been no wind today," Drephor stated. “Tell me what it sounded like.”

“It was like a cross between a hum and a low whistle. It was like the noise you make when you whistle and hum at the same time.”

“Okay. I see. Thanks Selpha. Is there anything else? Have you noticed anything different? Anything at all?”

“Uhh... Junk has been floating down the river. I know that much. Weapons, armour, debris... ooh, and bodies. I should have mentioned that earlier. Bodies of shadows and people.”

“Bodies of anything else?”

“It’s dark. It’s hard to see. Maybe. I wouldn’t know.”

“Okay. Thanks for your help. You can go back to your people now.”

She smiled at Drephor, turned around and headed back to the camp.

Sydney had been listening and came over to Drephor as he pondered what he had seen and heard.

“Anything new?” she asked.

“Oh, Sydney. Again?”

“Information is the key... So do we have any more keys? Heh.”

“I’m not sure about what we’re facing just yet... but I know how to get more information.”

“Oh?”

“Tell the Waterian in your group to check the water. Is it strong?”

“Uhh, Neo!” Sydney shouted.

He bounded up the bank. “Yeah what is it?”

“Can you check out the water for me?”

“Check it out?”

“Is it too strong to swim in?”

“Uhh, I'll go see,' he mumbled.

Back down at the bank, Neo dropped to his hands and knees and dipped his hand into the river.

“It’s fairly strong!"

“Okay... Nevermind then," Drephor said quietly and went to turn away.

“No, it’s strong, but I bet I could swim in it!”

“Don't be a show-off Neo,” Sydney responded as she jumped down beside him.

“No it’s fine," Neo emphasised "Hey, I’d rather be in there than out here. Do you want me to get in?”

“If you don’t mind," Drephor said as he came down to join them.

“I have two Waterians with me as well,” Alkan said. “Would you like their help?”

“If they don’t mind, it could help us out.”

“Okay. Guys, get in," Alkan directed.

A Waterian girl and boy jumped into the river and floated about.

“If you get tired," Drephor said to them, "get out. We don’t want you being swept down the river like the...”

Drephor caught himself before he mentioned the bodies. Perhaps the Waterians might think twice about doing his task if they knew they were swimming with the dead.

“Uhh, like the what?” Neo asked.

“Like the other people who’ve fallen in. More than one has ended up in the Indigo Sea.”

“Ha. You don’t need to worry about us!” assured Neo.

“Well, here is what I want you to do," said the general. "Things have been floating down the river, things that could be important. If you see something coming down, and if you’re not endangering yourself, I want you to bring it over to the shore and show it to me.”

“Okay. We can do that,” Neo said.

“And of course, if we see any sign of the enemy, I want you all to get out straight away.”

* * *

Again, everybody sat at the bank while the Waterians swam in the water, waiting. Sydney could tell that Drephor knew a lot more than he was letting them know, but assumed he would tell them when he was ready.

Other than that, she was cold. The other Heatians were shaking a little, and she could also tell that Xeros was freezing as well, because his clothes weren’t as thick as everyone else’s. She would have lit a fire, but she knew it might give away their presence.

Then it hit her just how tired she was. She’d only had an hour or two of sleep last night and afterwards she and the group had been running around the Health World all day.

She wasn’t feeling well, but she knew that her companions would be feeling the same.

Neo and the other two seemed to enjoy their swim for a while. Occasionally Neo would grab at something floating down the river, only to realise it was a stick or a bunch of reeds.

“Reeds! I’m so sick of reeds!”

He threw them over at Dorph and they whacked him in the back of the head.

“Will you cut that out!” he snapped.

“What?”

“You bloody know what I mean! You keep throwing crap at me!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh! Geez! You know, you were being really nice to me before, but you’re still the same old jerk!”

“Hahaha!”

Something nudged Neo in the side and he grabbed onto it while Dorph was still yapping at him.

“What the...?”

He lifted it out of the water.

“Neo... What is that?” Sydney shouted as she squinted to see in the dark.

“It looks like some sort of... animal. Gross.”

“Bring it over to the shore, into the light.”

Neo dropped it down on the bank of the river and Sydney leant down to look closer. She was slightly disturbed by what she saw.

It was a small blue gangly creature. It had bony limbs and its skin hugged its ribcage. It was hairless, and it had claws, pointed ears and large eyes behind its wrinkly closed eyelids.

Sydney went to pick it up by the arm when suddenly its eyes opened and it snarled loudly.

“Aaah! It’s still alive!”

It jumped up and its eyes darted around. It snarled at Sydney through its pointy, bared teeth and jumped onto her. The thing lunged for her face but she tried her best to stop it. Luckily, within seconds Drephor noticed the commotion and jumped over and slew the little creature, and it fell off Sydney and thumped against the ground.

“What the hell was that!” Sydney gasped, and felt a trickle of blood down her cheek.

Drephor bent down to examine it, and as he got back up his hand was against his forehead.

“Unfortunately it's as I feared. Selpha described the call of this creature. I remember these little beasts were fearsome things half a century ago. Several expeditions to the Beasts World tried to wipe them out, and we thought they had succeeded. I guess they didn't.”

“But what are they?” Sydney asked.

“This is an esmit. The reason they're a problem is that they’re quick little creatures that jump on things and slice them with their teeth and claws. One on its own isn’t much of a match for a human, but in a horde they're dangerous. Also, if these things are back then we don’t know what other things serve the shadows.”

“Sounds like trouble.”

“It sure is, but our expedition has so far been a success. Once again, we've learnt about what we're facing. When we return, I can spread the word about our enemies, yes?”

“Does that mean we’re returning now?” Neo asked.

“No, not yet. There are still a few more blanks I must fill in... Everyone can get back to what they were doing.”

* * *

He’d been in the water for a long time and with the other Waterians he’d retrieved a lot of things. Neo decided to take a break and he sat up on the bank near Marc, Jack and Xeros under the light of a small torch. Further up the river and closer to the bridge than the others, Dorph and Sydney were chatting and giggling to themselves. The other two captains were with their team-mates near the river, while Drephor and his group were standing together quietly away from the others.

It seemed that suddenly, something alerted Drephor and put him on edge. He grabbed his companions and ran down to the river’s edge.

A quick “shhhh!” from Drephor was enough to make everyone fall silent. He knocked a nearby torch into the river and beckoned to his group members to do the same to the other torches. Within a few seconds all the lights had been extinguished.

Approaching Drephor, the three team captains awaited instructions.

“Drephor. What’s-”

Drephor raised a finger and Sydney stopped.

When everyone was silent, they heard the dull march of footsteps from across the other side of the river…

“They’re here,” Drephor whispered.

“Drephor, what do we do?” Sydney asked.

The general didn’t speak. He just stood there listening.

“Drephor? What are we supposed to do?” repeated Sydney.

He looked up and faced the three captains, standing next to each other, waiting anxiously.

“Fight.”

“But, but you said we were only-”

Drephor cut Sydney off, “You promised to do what I said. Now do it. Everyone! Prepare to fight! Don’t let them cross the bridge!”

“But we’re facing an entire army!”

Drephor left to gather his companions.

“Drephor!”

“We have no choice Sydney," Dorph said from behind her. "If Drephor says we fight, we fight.”

“We have no chance though.”

“He’s the smartest person here. He must have a plan.”

“But I... ugh.”

“Come on Sydney. Pull yourself together," Dorph comforted. "Can’t you see your team-mates are waiting for your direction?”

Sure enough, her friends were still waiting by the bank of the river, watching her and waiting, while the other soldiers were heading up to the bridge.

“I don't know if i can do this Dorphy. I... I wish Marc was the captain again.”

“The only thing a captain does is make decisions, and I’m sure he’d make the same one as you, don’t you think?” Dorph assured.

“I guess.”

“And what would it be?”

“...Let's get to the bridge!” she yelled.

...

Next post is the battle scene.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

MB...this is good! I like it. Don't stop writing, OK?

Deadwing said...

I can't wait for the battle scene! Once again, you leave the reader wanting more. :D

Baz said...

MB, A good piece of writing, it flows well, and makes a good read.
Your narratives are well constructed, but then they always have been. It's nice to see you using stronger / more evocative descriptors as well.
For me, the biggest improvement is in your use of dialogue. This piece marks a big leap forward.
Anyway, I'll nit pick it over the weekend.

PS I've posted a comment to your comment on "Things get serious". Follow the link.

Baz said...

How's that for a responce? barely into the weekend and it's done!
I really do think you should be paying me for all this work!
It's still long, so I've kept it on my space. Click the link, if you can be bothered reading it?

Luv, Baz

Mirrorboy said...

Thanks guys. :)

@Baz - It's cos you're a good person. :)

*checks it out now* lol

Peter said...

Wow I can't believe that I first passes up on reading this one because it was so long. Now that you've twisted my arm into reading in, I can't wait for the next part... No matter how long it is!

There are little tiny things that I saw which you could change. Just a word or two. But they are insignificant, and probably not worth fixing in the end. In fact, I've forgotten what and where most of them are now.

Oh, and great job building suspense!

I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:p

Mirrorboy said...

Heehee thanks Petey. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, Baz

Why not share your comments with the rest of us?

Baz said...

Mboy,
Enjoyed the chat on MSN tonight, even if it did slow you down in reading my comments.

@Alien Son, and others who may be interestd.
My comments are not about specifics. I review the whole piece. As such, my comments are lenghty, often using the entire original post, along with my comments. Because of the size, I have no wish to use up space on Mboy's site. That is why I post on my own "dummy" blog. It is restricted, currently, only Mboy and mysekf can access it.
I respect Mboys wish to retain his anonimity, and that is why the site is currently restrictd.
I will not grant unrestricted access, Fot those who wish to see my comments, I suggest you contact Mboy. It's his choice, not mine. I will always repect his decision, and wishes.
If you wish to view my comments there,contact Mboy, If he passes your e-mail address on to me, I will open the site to you.
Baz

Aek said...

It wasn't that long, what're you talking about? (Then again, perhaps I'm used to reading lengthy boring articles, and this is like a relaxing breeze :P).

I like how it's written. I'm so anticipating what comes next. XD

It's late and I don't really have any more comments, not now anyhow. If I come up with anything, I'll let you know.

Mirrorboy said...

lol thanks Aek. :D

Anonymous said...

*busily scrawling down feedback on refill*

...

*turns page*

...

*rips off another page*

...

*rolls eyes, turns page*

lol :P As you can see I'm keenly getting into this one. It's a cool piece!

I can't BELIEVE you left us on edge like that! Nggghhh, grumble grumble mutter mutter. Bastard. :P

I'll post proper feedback tomorrow when I've had some time. :D

AJCon89 said...

you have a really interesting storyline that captures the reader... you do a great job a at painting a picture and making me want to read more.

Thats like the #1 sign of a good writer for me... someone who makes me want to read more.

There are a few places where the mechanics of the text can be cleaned up. Its partially stylistic and partially grammatical.

For example:
"The groups sat there for a long time near the big stone bridge."

might read better as:
"The groups sat silently next to the big stone bridge for a long time"

Adding silently paints more of a picture... and I feel that changing the order makes it flow better.

also... I get that information is the important idea here... but you can probably rework the following dialogue to make it sound more like people talk:

“Information is the key... So do we have any more keys? Heh.”

“I’m not sure about what we’re facing just yet... but I know how to get more information.”

for instance the second quote can end... "but I know how to find out more."

That is more how people would talk... imo.

A few times it feels like the dialogue isnt written in a way people talk.


there are also a few minor things like a change ina word... for instance... I think:
"She wasn’t feeling well, but she knew that her companions would be feeling the same.

would read better as:
She wasn’t feeling well AND she knew that her companions would be feeling the same.

another example is:
"He’d been in the water for a long time and with the other Waterians he’d retrieved a lot of things."

would read better as:
"He’d been in the water with the other Waterians for a long time and retrieved a lot of things."

Those are some examples...

I know I am being picky... but you asked us to.

Its a good story and you are doing a great job telling it... It just needs some minor editing in some places to get some sentences to flow better and some quotes to be more like quotes...

Great job buddy... cant wait for the next one...

Anonymous said...

Pretty good MB, I'm impressed.

I wouldn't put too much concern in the comments addressing grammar and sentence structure. When you're writing nonfiction you can get away with invalid structure, and subjective dialogue. As long as the work is an easy read, and you get the main points to the reader, invalid structure equals style. So stick to your stylistic pallet.

Your dialogue, tho, in this excerpt seems a little unrealistic considering the gravity of the espionage mission. You have a knack for not using comic relief the right way... You use it when its unnecessary, which ultimately pulls the reader away, and comes off as fake. The whole bit where the water guy was throwing stuff, and it turned to laughter, just struck me as out of place...

Nonetheless this excerpt's flow was very steady, not many hiccups. Your dialogue is better, your narrative is better, everything is just BETTER. Which brings me to my next point.

I have to go back to my last comment considering consistency. The more excerpts you post, the more concerned I am about this. You've said to me that you want to "publish and make money," if you attempt to publish your work as is, the finished product will look as if different authors wrote different chapters, and an editor will eat you alive. It seems you are morphing into a better author, just make sure when you are all done you apply your new skills to earlier works, to make your entire story stylistically cohesive.

good job tho m8

AJCon89 said...

@Randy

Sorry... but I disagree... I think grammar matters.

Good structure = good flow and good flow = easier for a reader to read.

If there are to many hiccups (not saying there are here, mboy) then the reader will have to slow down to read through them... good grammar will help him read smoothly...

Grammar matters... big time.

Mr McCabbage said...

As others have said, this is highly concordious!

Remember Gibson's law? "For every PhD there is an equal and opposite PhD." So I think your comic relief is used rightly. It shows your characters (Neo at least) are not overly invested in survival. This is quite natural as well - consider how playful otters and seals can be in close proximity to predators, fully knowing the danger. I don't experience it as fake, rather as a welcome difference from people in our world. Dorph seems to be properly grave in the river. Later he and Sydney are chatting and giggling, so Neo might have helped him regain his soul.

Easy reading does matter yes, but school grammar could ruin your style. Consider cowboy movies - often weird grammar and yet it flows nicely. There is a poet in you that should be heeded, within reason.

If I have to find issues -
1) There may be too many groups and too many characters, with too little revealed about each, so the reader can't empathise properly with a manageable number of individuals. This may be useful as it generates a yearning. Even then it can be made better by revealing just a bit more, such as what they look like, personal thoughts they have etc.
2) Why haven't they blown up the bridge long ago? Incompetence?

Speaking of incompetence and comic relief, I so enjoyed this poem by Rudyard Kipling, about their war against my people.

AJCon89 said...

Oh I am not saying you have to have perfect grammar... its not a college essay.

I just think it matters to the point that it needs to flow well...

Mirrorboy said...

Thanks for the comments, guys. Even if i do feel like i had to force you. lol

@kiwi - lol thanks. I can't wait. :)

@Randy - Again, i assume the curse of not having enough backstory strikes. Neo (water guy lol) could be in the most dangerous and tense situation imaginable, but he would still manage to make a joke of things, and he loves pissing off Dorph. I can't have everyone being serious all the time. I need someone who will always act different, even if they do seem 'out of place'.

I've been writing this story for a long time. As you read through it, you would see a 13-14yo's writing at the start, and as you get towards the end see the writing of a 15-16yo. I will go back and rewrite the whole thing once i'm finished and am a good enough writer. There are a few inconsistencies that i need to iron out too.

@Mr McC - Heheh you seem to 'get' it. :)

1) All of these characters were introduced to the story slowly, and most of them have their individual storylines, which i've followed at some point.

2) The good guys need to use the bridge as well. lol

@AJ - Good structure, as you call it, is something i will pick up as i write more. I won't really need to 'focus' on it, it will just come naturally. :)

'Natural' dialogue in the story is also one of my known issues. *facepalm*

Thanks everyone. :)

Baz said...

@ Randy,
I really don't agree with you about comic relief in this excerpt. Neo is portrayed a relatively youthful, and his behaviour in a stressful situation is not innappropriate. It's a need to cope with that situation. I do agree that in the original version of "let's fight" that the portrayal of Zamne was innappropriate. It reduced a battle scene to the level of a paintball fight.
Consistency of style. Yes that is a problem, but I'm sure Mboy is a aware of this. As his writing skills develop, I'm certain that he knows he will have to rewrite the earlier parts to maintain that consistency.

@ AJCon89,
Yes, good grammar does make good / easy reading, although it's not the "be all and end all " of good writing. If it reads easiy, and flows well, that's more important.

@Mr McCabbage
Comic relief -covered that with Randy. I agree with you, I feel it was an appropriate point to introdece it.
Too many groups etc.
These are only excerpts, perhaps without the full story, we lack some of the background?
Blowing up the bridge. Dunno -maybe they just don't have the technical espertise? We've got Heatians, Waterians, Thoughtians etc, but not yet Technicians?

cvn70 said...

mboy

thanks for the reminder to read and comment lol

ok i thought this read well especially towards the end i found myself reading faster to see what happens

I do have this suggestion though that the first parragraph might be rewritten a little to something like this:

Drephor and his group could soon see their next destination, a small camp on a short hill before the grand Prephleen River. The fires in the middle of the camp illuminated tents and small buildings, and guards were visible patrolling the area keeping watch, with weapons in their hands.

you say Drephor saw the camp and i think re-writing the second sentence to add a little bit more visual effect he saw may help. The fire is what is allowing you to see the tents and buildings and guards at night (?) so i thought this might read a little better to establish that more clearly

22 of those ... maybe some are unnneccessary and you could try to reduce that

but as you know i am far from a writer and only a reader so my comments may lack some of the knowledge of others here

once again thanks for sharing and look forward to reading the next excerpt

take care and be safe

bob

Anonymous said...

WHy are some of you getting hung up on good grammar versus "easy reading and good flow"? They're not mutually exclusive, you know. There's no need to use sloppy grammar in order to make a passage flow well or be easy to read.

Bad grammar simply makes the writer seem incompetent.

Good grammar and good flow make a good story a great story.

Jay said...

Hi MB, a great piece of writing.

I am reading book 2 of 'The song of the tears' series called 'The curse on the chosen' by Ian Irvine. It's a cross between Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. He uses his characters feelings a lot, as well as all their senses, to bring the story to life.

Your work seems to be similar in style. Keep it up.

Jay

Anonymous said...

And again - Yay! :)

Ok, this is going to be mammoth - for reference's sake, I've included the paragraph number next to comments about specific bits in the text - I counted every line spacing as a paragraph spacing, so there's about 141 paragraphs in it I think.

Overall/general comments
Dialogue
Much, much improved dialogue. Really flowed well.
I think it would be more improved by adding some body language descriptors to your characters as they're saying things. Remember that your reader can't see what's in your head and if you want to describe a certain way of saying something, body language is useful. So 'Sydney yelled' could be 'yelled Sydney, stamping her foot in anger'.

Balance
I think this excerpt has a good balance of narration and dialogue given what you're portraying in this one. Obviously other excerpts will have more or less dialogue or action, but this seemed pretty good.

Narrative issues
At times you have a 'and then this, and then that' narrative - try to depart from that and make things a little more interesting.

Sentence Structure
A good way to do this is (my little stuck record starts playing again :P) variety in your sentence structures. There is some good variety in this one, but I'd like to see more.

Descriptors
Remember to keep using good descriptors. A few bits in here tend to be a bit bland, and you need to spice it up a bit. Just taking the time at critical points to slow it down and describe what’s really going on would be great. Keep it up with the sounds, smells, environment, moods, winds, all that sort of stuff.

Groups
I’m with Mr McCabbage on this one – I have been thinking for a little while that there may be too many groups. Or at least I’m not a big fan of the group names… I just think they’re a bit simple and they don’t really have any flair to them. What about calling the heatian’s ‘Thermolites’, waterians ‘hydrarians’ or something? Basically I mean using names that aren’t quite just the elements/descriptions of their powers. Play around with it, see what you come up with.

Attributing characters and species with specific traits
Very cool – having different ways of speaking for different characters. You need to remember to keep it consistent though so that you don’t slip into a standard voice all the time, or all the characters will sound the same.

Also, did you intentionally use ‘ph’ lots in the Healthian world? Ie Duphontain, Prephleen, Drephor. If so, well done. I’d like to see some things in other worlds and see how the spelling of things differ there.

Using directions in battle
It doesn’t feel particularly like you know exactly how this world is set out – in that we don’t have any descriptions of directions they are looking – ie, are all lands to the east of the river in Healthian hands, or Shadow hands?

I would encourage you to think of drawing some maps of the worlds so you’ve got some reference material for where things are… If you’ve already done that, then work at better describing it for us so we can picture it both at the micro and macro level.


Specific comments
P = paragraph.

P1 – ‘with weapons in their hands’ – what kind of weapons do the guards have? Or can we not see because we’re too far away? I also struggle to see how we can see the guards and their weapons fairly clearly at this point, but later on they can’t hear the teams laughing and shouting around the river as they’re retrieving items from the river.

It’s good that you’re not just referring to Drephor as ‘Drephor’ right from the get go though – you’re calling him ‘The General’, and ‘Drephor’, and changing between these. :)

P1 – ‘tents and small buildings lined the fire in the middle’ – ‘lined’ seems like the wrong word – would it be better as something like encircled, surrounded, ringed, enclosed or huddled around?

P2 – ‘what I could gather from talking to people who’d fled’ – sounds a bit clumsy – would it be better as ‘from survivors of ______ (insert battle place name like West Prephleen or something here)?

P10 – you repeat ‘once there’ a couple of times in one sentence.

P10 & 11 – ‘Drephor shouted’ and ‘“Oh yeah!...” Sydney sighed’ don’t really seem to fit their respective moods in what they’re saying. Maybe ‘Drephor exclaimed, raising his voice now’ and ‘“Aaah,” Sydney sighed, “It’s great to be back…’”?

P12 – ‘Dorph was reluctant to leave her side and headed after her.’ This is very much the bland way of describing the effects of his love for her both in terms of the verb ‘headed after’ and ‘leave her side’ – it doesn’t really give the image of him guarding her anyway - would it be better to say ‘Dorph, reluctant to let her get too far from his side, trailed close behind her’?

P15 – Good way of showing Drephor’s emotion by describing the look on his face. More of this please!!

P23 – ‘if by some awful twist of fate, we both die, run for your lives’ (Drephor).
1) Drephor doesn’t have much faith in his troops – he’s not prepared to tell them where the hidden warp point is, and he doesn’t trust that they will be able to beat a hasty retreat without ‘running for their lives’
2) It sounds a bit flippant of Drephor given his meticulous planning of everything else
3) I wouldn’t expect him to give much credit to the idea of both of them dying – and certainly wouldn’t worry his people by explicitly stating that it is a possibility – reference how he talks to the waterians getting into the river and doesn’t tell them about the bodies… maybe ‘if the worst comes to the worst, retreat for the capital’ would be a better way of putting it?

P22 & 24 – you’ve got a prevalence for ‘Drephor led’, ‘Drephor gathered’ sentence starters, which gets repetitive – so keep the subject of your sentences varied as much as poss.

P25 and elsewhere – you refer to ‘everyone’s voices’ and ‘everybody’, ‘everyone’ etc… It just feels a bit false because it’s not everybody, it’s just everyone in their troupe. It’d be better to describe them as the group, the troupe, the motley bunch, anything that describes them as a group, not as ‘everyone’… Get what I mean?

P26 – Re the river bank description. You call them dry and muddy at the same time. Is it likely that the banks of a river would be dry? More likely lush and green because of the free supply of water for plants. Also ‘skeletons’ tends to connote dry trees, whereas if they’re actually in the river they’re likely to be soggy, swollen, waterlogged skeletons.

P28-50… Drephor reminds me of a character in LOTR. Not gonna say who though. Cool little period of character building and dialogue. I wanna be like Drephor :P

P41 – ‘It was like a cross between a human…’ and ‘It was like the noise’ – just a couple of repeated sentence structures. I’m real big on them lol.

P54 – ‘tell the waterian in your group to check the water’ – would ‘water’ be better as ‘current’? Just to be clear on it.

P65 – ‘Sydney responded as she jumped down beside him’ – the image is kind of weird – responded doesn’t really fit with jumping at the same time… Can’t explain that any better

P65-76 (ending with Neo saying ‘you don’t need to worry about us!’) is cool – it flows well and explains Drephor’s thoughts.

P79 – ‘“And of course, if we see any sign of the enemy, I want you all to get out straight away.”’ Wouldn’t Drephor be better to have a plan and some sort of signal if the enemy is spotted? You could then use the signal later on when he does hear them… It just seems to fit again with Drephor’s planning nature.

P99 – Sydney looking at the esmit – instead of saying ‘she was slightly disturbed by what she saw’ it might be better to say how she reacted. Did she recoil backwards, or screw up her nose, or tentatively poke at it, keeping her distance?

P100 – the description of the esmit is a bit lilted, possibly because you’re using short, similar sentences. Would it be better all as one descriptive sentence that flows, like ‘Before her lay a small, blue, gangly creature, all hairless skin and bones, with sharp claws, pointy ears and large eyes behind wrinkly closed eyelids’… Your call.

P101 – ‘suddenly its eyes opened’ – I’m not a fan of ‘its’ as a word to describe a central thing in the story at that stage. What about – ‘suddenly, those large wrinkly eyelids peeled back to reveal…’ then you could go on to describe the eyes, their darting about, etc.

P103 – ‘It jumped up and its eyes darted around…thumped against the ground’ is very much the ‘and then, and then,’ narration I was talking about earlier – work at spicing it up.

P108 – ‘Also, if these things are back then we don’t know what other things serve the shadows.’ Is this a bit inconsistent with Drephor’s philosophy of holding back on unnecessarily scaring his followers? He seems to shoulder some of their burden himself and only tell them to be worried if there is an immediate threat to them… Dunno if I’ve just read him wrong but I would expect him to keep that last thought to himself based on what I’ve read of him.

P112 – ‘No, not yet. There are still a few more blanks…’ This is cool. Drephor seems strong, sure of himself, a good pensive, thoughtful and well respected leader. Just what you want in a general.

P113 – ‘he’d retrieved a lot of things’ – is a bit bland… what sort of things? Even ‘miscellaneous items’ would be a bit more interesting.

P113 – ‘further up the river and closer to the bridge than the others’ is kind of clunky. I would change it to ‘further up the river and closer to the bridge, Dorph and Sydney were chatting…’

P113 – ‘Drephor and his group were standing together’ – I assume we know from the context exactly who ‘Drephor’s group’ are? Are they just all the Healthians or something? Or his private guard group? Or his army? I just struggled to find any reference to who ‘his group’ are, if everyone in this scene isn’t included as being in ‘his group’.

P114 (nearly there!) – ‘he grabbed his companions and ran down to the rivers edge’ could do with some more description as to how he grabbed them/ran – sneakily? Crashing through the bushes? Sprinting hell-for-leather? Just add more descriptive language when it’s appropriate.

P119 – ‘dull march of footsteps from across the river…’ – is this an appropriate use of the ellipsis?

P124 – ‘He looked up and faced the three captains’ – is this another potential tumbleweed moment? Could you look at the faces of the captains, their troupe, their beating hearts, their fears, the sweat beading on their foreheads, Drephor’s mind ticking over – look at the moment his decision to fight is made. What does his body language do? Does he stamp his foot? Take a big breath? Sigh? Stand up tall and proud? Have a cunning gleam in his eye?

Basically it’s a nice pause in the action and a good time for you to take advantage of it while we’re all perched on edge.

P125-130 – good dialogue. I would just consider adding something about the way Sydney is saying one or two things, because we can’t tell if she’s pleading, or demanding, or despairing, or what. (like ‘“Drephor!” pleaded Sydney’).

P130-end – It would be cool to see some body language of Sydney and Dorph in this scene. What are they thinking? What are the other captains thinking?

****

Re other people’s comments
AJ makes a good point – the dialogue needs to read like people speaking.

Randy’s point about Neo… I don’t entirely agree. I can see where he’s coming from, in that Neo doesn’t seem to take in the gravity of the situation, but as others have said, he appears to be just immature/it’s not in his personality to worry, he just does his job and lets the rest take care of itself.

You’ve always got to be careful of crossing the line with these characters because they can become like Zamny in the first Let’s Fight post and make a mockery of the rest.

If you have told us of why/how Neo is that way elsewhere in the story, you haven’t crossed the line. If this is the first we know of Neo, it’s possibly a bit much. You know the context, so you take a look at his place in the story and see what you think.

Re grammar and sentence structure. I sit on the fence – grammar and sentence structure are important, moreso in narration than dialogue, to make the story easy to read. I think the two go hand in hand.

Randy and consistency – absolutely agree – you will need to go back and make sure everything writes and reads the same when you get nearer the end. In fact, if you’re not feeling inspired to write new chapters, I would say that’s a good idea periodically – to go back and apply the things you’ve learned in later chapters to your early chapters and get them up to scratch with your later ones.

Keep at it! This was a really fun one to read, and I can’t wait for the next one :D

Keep it up buddy
~kiwi

PS – what do people think about mboy’s need to copyright this stuff?

cvn70 said...

mboy

here is a little free legal research for you to answer Kiwi's question

Material is automatically protected by copyright in Australia, under the Copyright Act 1968 (Cth), if:

it is in one of the categories of things that are protected by copyright;

except for broadcasts, it is in “material form” (for example, on paper, as a digital file, a film or an audio
recording); and

there is a sufficient connection with Australia (as a result of international treaties, this applies to material
from almost all countries).

For information on the categories of material protected by copyright, and the rights of the copyright owner, see
our information sheet An introduction to copyright in Australia.

Note that copyright does not protect ideas, information, techniques, names or slogans. For information on areas
of law that can sometimes protect these, see our information sheets Ideas: legal protection; and Names, titles
and slogans.

No registration of copyright
Although it seems surprising, there is no registration of copyright in Australia or in most other countries. You
do not register copyright, or go through any formal process, before your material is protected by copyright under
Australian law.

@kiwi so i believe from this, that mboy's works are protected under Australian law. And please everybody this is australian law and here in the US it is a bit different as in most countries but we do have several international treaties amongst friendly nations to protect intellectual property.

ok so if you want mboy you can add the symbol for copyright ( © ) to your posts but even that is unneccesary really.

the writings are those of the type protected and btw it is only the exact writings you post that are protected. If you make edits they also protected whether you post them or not anything you write for this is protected in the end

you btw are enough of a connection to australia to have the right to the copyright law.

hope this helps and take care and be safe

bob

Col said...

Wow! The best excerpt yet Mboy!! You really built up the tension there, and I think the humour worked too... just the right amount. Excellent work, can't wait 'til the next one :)

Mirrorboy said...

Awesome comment kiwi. I always love em. :D

Thanks Bob too. :)

And Col. Hehe, thank you.

Part 2 should be up soon.

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