Oh hai.
Welcome back. :) *lights fireplace, warms room for you*
Battles are one of the hardest things to write in a story like mine. There is a fight or battle in almost every chapter of my story and often the focus of a chapter is around a battle.
It's times like that where i wish i were making a movie and not writing a book. I can't use lighting and camera angles and music and sounds and just plain bashing and sword-swiping. I only have words, and have to try very hard to not be repetitive.
Fights can get very complicated. You have a million things to get across to the reader - the light and time of day, the ground, the surroundings, the soldiers, formations, weapons, armour, sounds, tactics, leaders, and most importantly, the characters you follow. You don't want to confuse the reader, and especially don't want to bore them by saying 'this happens, then that happens, then he does this, and the other dude does this back'.
I'm gonna post a part of a battle today, though it's more of a duel. And i'm not asking for ass-kissing in this post. I'm looking for advice. I want to know what works and what doesn't, and in the latter case, what i could do to improve. Please? :)
Quick lesson: in case you hadn't figured it out by now, the weapons are swords etc. And the soldiers also fight with their 'powers'. Heatians have firepowers, Speedians are super-quick etc.
Also, i realize this excerpt may be a bit hard to understand because there is just so much info you would need to know for it to make sense, but view it as a piece of writing rather than a story. :)
If you want me to explain something, just ask me in the comments.
KK...
There is a battle in the Health World for the outpost of Ranphar which the shadows have just claimed. It has a warp point within so it is important for quick army movement.
Drephor the General (I think 'General' has a capital 'G') has led an army towards Ranphar in the hope of reclaiming it. He wasn't counting of the shadow General Hounder being there though, who in a short time has become one of the most feared shadows around, and is leading the assault on the Health World.
They have met once before, but Drephor fled, so Hounder has made it his own mission to hunt his enemy equal down and kill him.
I start with Hounder leaving Ranphar and heading towards the battle, and then i cut to him facing Drephor.
There is also an appearance by Drephor's (very) young, hyperactive, but beyond strong, little step-brother.
...
Hounder didn’t need any guards by his side. He marched assertively towards the battle on his own, head-to-toe in spiny gold armour. His sword-hand was twitching at the thought of finally having a battle after so long and his heart was pumping…
He’d also heard that Drephor was here…
He was looking forward to a mighty duel after Drephor had run away at the Prephleen Bridge last time… Perhaps he might finally meet someone worthy of dying by his sword…
* * * (I jumped forward a bit) * * *
“I won’t be running this time," Drephor said. "This time, I am ready.”
“Let’s hope so…”
For a moment they both eyed each other and gripped their swords. Then Drephor broke and walked forward towards his enemy.
His allies did the same. They reengaged the shadows and the shadows fought back, but they all left Drephor and Hounder alone.
Hounder raised his sword and took a big swipe at Drephor.
Their two swords clashed above their heads. They pushed against each other hard but neither of them budged. Hounder tried to punch Drephor in the stomach with his heavy hand but Drephor jumped back and their swords parted.
“You still haven’t seen what I’m capable of, Drephor. The tales do me no justice.”
“Well I want to find out.”
Drephor ran forward again and jumped up, turning and swinging his sword around, slicing Hounder’s shoulder in a gap in his armour. Hounder swiped his sword around but Drephor dodged and moved back.
“… Impressive,” Hounder growled.
Hounder sheathed his sword and planted his feet firmly on the ground.
He held his hands outwards. His left hand started to glow red. The right glowed blue.
A fireball shot from Hounder’s left palm towards Drephor’s head. He ducked, but then a waterball came at him from further down. He rolled to the side as it passed him by and smashed into the ground beside him.
Drephor jumped up again. Hounder lashed at him with a water whip from his right hand. Drephor whacked it with his sword and the whip curled around the blade. He pulled back and Hounder was tugged forward.
The whip disappeared and Hounder started charging up in his left hand again.
Drephor quickly scanned the ground and found a small metal shield. He lifted it up and faced it at his enemy.
Hounder shot the ground with a blast of fire. Drephor jumped over as much as he could but flames clawed at his feet. Hounder charged up another ball as Drephor ran forward. He launched it, as Drephor was metres from him.
Drephor deflected the fireball, and then lifted up his shield. Hounder reached for his sword, but Drephor smashed him in his helmeted face and he was knocked back. He held his head as the loud ringing in his ears subsided, and then his hand reached for his sword again and yanked it out.
Hounder walked forward and took another big swipe at Drephor. Drephor dodged and knocked the sword to the side with his shield. Hounder brought his sword around again and tried to take out Drephor’s legs, but Drephor jumped back and the end of the sword just sliced the skin on his shins.
Hounder shot the ground around Drephor with a gush of water, and he fell onto his side, and Hounder walked forward and charged up a fireball.
Drephor quickly tried to get up again and he got to his hands and knees… Then his hand nudged a big rock and he wrapped his fingers around it.
When Hounder got closer he looked up and hurled the rock at his head. Hounder tried to bat it away but with his armour he was a little too slow and the rock clonked him in the side of the head. He stumbled back and Drephor jumped up and ran forward again. Hounder composed himself fast and raised his sword.
Drephor tried to hit Hounder with his shield again, but this time Hounder slammed it with his heavy blade, and he fell to the ground.
Hounder lifted up his sword and brought it down towards his enemy swiftly. Drephor lifted his shield up one more time, and the steel crashed against it.
The shield dropped to the ground beside him with a large dent in the middle, and Drephor lay there with his arms in pain.
“Goodbye, son of the Health World.”
Hounder went to lift his sword one more time and grinned…
Just then, a boy ran in front of him and kicked Hounder in the shin.
“Leave him alone!”
Hounder easily batted him away with his arm and Zamny fell to the ground.
“Hey! Nobody touches me!”
Zamny held up his hands and giggled.
“And nobody touches my big bro!”
A thick stream of fire flew from his hands and smacked Hounder in the head. Fire engulfed his helmet and he fell to his knees.
Hounder ripped off his helmet and doused the flames with water. Then he sat there blankly for a moment, breathing heavily. He looked up, and Zamny was standing there with his hands on fire, looking at him.
Drephor groaned and looked over at his little brother.
“…What do you think you are doing?”
“I’m saving your ass!” yelled his tinny voice.
Hounder got up again and held out his right hand.
“Your brother? This is too good…”
Hounder shot a waterball at Zamny, but he easily jumped to the side and it passed him by.
“Dodgeball! I love this game!”
“Imbecile!”
Hounder shot another ball at him. Zamny jumped over it and giggled…
“Too slow!”
“Gaaah!”
Hounder shot more waterballs at him but Zamny ducked and dodged each one.
“Your turn!”
Zamny’s hands glowed briefly, and then a huge wave of fire shot towards his enemy. Hounder was thrown into the air and he landed against the hard ground with a loud clank.
“I win!”
A message.
-
I occasionally revisit my blog when I need to look up a date or some other
detail from my past. It's convenient to have chronicled every major life
event f...
11 years ago
15 comments:
That was an excellent battle scene. It was easy to visualize the entire sequence. I love how you combine the use of special powers and swords. Swordplay and close quarters hand to hand combat is so much more interesting than guns. Once again, you have left me wanting to read more. Keep it up!
I've only stylistic comments.
Rather than having the swords "clash", as if the human actors had no role in it, you might use "rang". Rather than use "swiped" and "swipe" close together, substitute "swung". Instead of "brought it down towards his enemy swiftly", say "swiftly brought it down towards his enemy." Instead of "slicing his shoulder in a gap in his armour", try "slicing his shoulder through a gap in his armour". And why say "broke and walked", when "walked" would suffice? These may seem petty, but once you become accustomed to appropriate usage and fluidity in your structure the process will become an unconscious function of your writing.
The content is good. I think the only critique I have is word choice in certain areas where it begins to get a little repetitive. You could use more varied verbs like: slashed, deflected, blocked, launched, etc.
Also, you could incorporate other senses like sound and touch more, even smell and taste. You seem to focus almost exclusively on sight (unsurprising though, as sight is the most utilized of the human senses).
Was the sudden change in tone intentional towards the end with the appearance of Zamny? It went from serious to almost mocking and lighthearted.
NOOOO!!! Mirrorboy!!!
You've made very common literary mistakes in this excerpt. It is extremely hard to convey a battle from the 3rd person. Especially a duel. All the details work against you, the chaos of a battle from the point of view of the observer makes it difficult for the reader to follow.
Just like you said, "he did this, then he did that," just doesn't work. You did write this like a script, like someone is going to view this in a movie. You cant do this... Editors, and critics will rip you apart.
Here is how you fix it ;)
Its hard to describe what I am talking about, but I'll do my best.
You HAVE to stick to a perspective of one of the people fighting. Choose which of the fighters experiences is more important to the story, and stick to him. Hold off on using the 'tennis match' of the details. For example, 'he swung his sword, then the other guy blocked it, then they swung at each other again.' Fights like this are honestly boring, and challenging to follow; yes YOU can visualize it while writing, but the reader will have a hard time relating to the ebb and flow of the battle.
The details you want to use are only in the turning points of the battle, like the rock Drephor found, or when Zamney got involved. If I wanted to successfully convey this battle, I would use the point of view from Drephor. I would skip almost the entire battle sequence and instead sum it up, oscillating from 1st person to third, with preference to Drephor. For instance,
'They began fighting, swords clashing. The fight certainly evenly matched, not whose sword is faster, or powers stronger, but who wanted it more. A clash of egos, a battle of heart.
Drephor undoubtedly, wanted it, he rested on his experience, his training, his push slowed only by Hounder's lust for revenge.
Hounder will not retreat today, his stubbornness is his greatest strength...
Momentum is in Hounder's corner, the battle seems over. If it wasn't for a simple stone the battle would be lost."
I would then go right where you started writing, with details, about Drephor. He "nudged a big rock and he wrapped his fingers around it."
Obviously my paragraph is a little bland, but it is easy to follow...short, concise and to the point. I remember telling you that you can over detail something. I think thats what happened with this battle...
If you want to publish, you have to appease the reader... ya just have to!
For a better example of what I am talking about, grab a book called Gettysburg, and skip to the battles, you'll see what I am talking about.
ROFL, other than me ripping you a new one...cant wait to read the next...
Randy
Did you really have to light the fire? It's still summer down here! Think of your carbon footprint! Geez... :P
You're right, battles do seem hard (not that I've ever written one that I can remember).
Nice. It's got a lot of good stuff to it. Some points:
ellipses
Yay! You only used 7. And a few of them were in dialogue, and that's a lot more acceptable than in narration. :)
Use of detail:
I somewhat agree with Randy, but to a varying extent. I think there are certain bits in the battle that you should skip, but certain points where you need to focus on the details, bring it back to the grass roots blood and bone descriptions of the battle.
"For a moment they both eyed each other and gripped their swords. Then Drephor broke and walked forward towards his enemy."
I think this section, the 'tumbleweed blowing across the battlefield' could be developed more with more details of their feelings, their fears (if any), their strenghts, their respect (or hatred) for each other, the sweat beading on their foreheads, etc. It's an important clash of the minds before the clash of the swords and bodies. It'd be cool to see lots of detail here.
'Hounder raised his sword and took a big swipe at Drephor.'
After this point, you could move into a birds eye view and skip some details for effect - somehow mentioning that they became just a blur of motion, swords ringing out on shields, grunting, in their weird dance... Something like that that decsribes the action a bit, but takes a back seat and more describes the spectacle. Then of course at the turning points, you want to do the detail again. This is going along the lines of Randy's comments too.
Where I somewhat depart from Randy is I think you need a little more detail than he suggests, but in principle yes I agree, just chart the ebbs and flows of the battle and then focus on the key points in detail. It's a tough one to do.
sensory description
I'm with randy - more sounds, smells, tastes, touches would be great.
A battle scene always allows the taste of blood, the grit of dust in the mouth, the sting of sweat in the eyes, etc. Take it to a deeper level.
descriptors
I'm with J, vary your descriptive words a little more. You use 'tried' a little too often, and ... (checking through again I can't find any others). Maybe it was just that the language used was at times a little bland - don't be afraid of being a little more flambouyant (sp?) with your action language - change 'He lifted [the shield] up' to 'flinging the huge shield into his grasp' or something (bad example, but I think you get my drift).
subject placement
This one's to do with your sentence structure. If you look through this excerpt, you'll find a lot of sentences starting with 'He', 'Drephor', and 'Hounder'. Basically meaning that you're putting the subject always at the beggining of the sentence (I think that means you're writing 'active' sentences instead of 'passive' ones? help, literary professors!).
Whatever the word for it is, it gets a bit repetitive when every sentence is structured the same. If I were a literary genius I would say to use a certain type of sentence to portray certain feelings/pace/whatever, and others to portray different stuff, but I'm not, so I'll just say - hopefully someone else is a literary genius and can fill us in? And that it is better to have some variety in your sentences.
Example:
'Drephor ran forward again and jumped up, turning and swinging his sword around, slicing Hounder’s shoulder in a gap in his armour. Hounder swiped his sword around but Drephor dodged and moved back.'
could be:
'Running forward once again and jumping up, Drephor turned and swung his sword around, slicing the shadow General’s shoulder in a gap in his armour. Back came a swift swipe from Hounder's sword, but Drephor deftly dodged and moved back.' (lol, alliteration unintentional)
But see how I changed the subject around, sometimes describing the action as the subject, not just the people?
comic relief?
Aek mentioned this also - Zamny almost makes a mockery of Drephor - Drephor has just about been killed by Hounder, but Zamny, his younger brother, comes in and polishes the guy off with ease and laughing all at the same time.
This is fine, so long as that is the effect you want to have. I think it diminishes Drephor's and Hounder's strength, whereas I think the intent was to show just how powerful and incredible Zamny is. Maybe a little more focus on Zamny going basically super-sayan because of the attack on his brother would explain why he is so much stronger than Hounder and Drephor?
It does add some light comic relief, but I don't think that is really what you want at the end of a battle between two of your strongest characters.
***
Overall though, once again we get a sense for what's going on in the battle. I think, of the three pieces you've posted so far, this one probably needs the most reworking to make it flow, but you've got the basic elements of a cool battle in there. Just some tweaking needed.
Looking forward to the next installation! :)
~kiwi
oh and yes, randy's point about perspective seems a good one - it would be nice to see the battle from one or other side.
Ooh, even maybe seeing it from Zamny's point of view? Dunno. Play around with it, see what you can come up with.
~kiwi #2
dammit, sorry for the spammage, but I wanted to post one thing I really liked:
"Drephor jumped up again. Hounder lashed at him with a water whip from his right hand. Drephor whacked it with his sword and the whip curled around the blade. He pulled back and Hounder was tugged forward.
The whip disappeared and Hounder started charging up in his left hand again."
Hehe. Just a cool idea, with the whip wrapping around the sword and then it acting as a rope to pull Hounder forward. Cool anime/dragonball Z-like thinking.
Wow. Okay... A few different ideas there.
@DW - I agree with you. Hand-to-hand combat is much more interesting to play about with than 'bang bang' guns. Thanks for the kind words. :)
@J - Thanks. You're right of course, and i'll try to make some changes. :)
@Aek - I try to mix verbs and things up as much as i can - judging by people's comments, i guess i'm not doing a good enough job. :P
I should work on the other senses too, it's just finding spots where i can insert things like taste that are hard. Kiwi suggests the taste of blood though, and that's good. :)
I'll address the Zamny issue further down...
@Randy - lol.
Well i know what you're talking about. You definitely make a good point about telling the battle from one view rather than 3rd-person, and i'll try to do that.
The example you gave though is just so hugely different from my style, and while there a some parts i can adapt, i don't think i could change to fit it entirely. Whether this is wrong or not, i don't like saying things to the effect of 'this person was winning or losing, then this happened'. I like to tell it 'as it happens' - blow by blow. I guess you could say it's my 'style'.
I can't describe it right but i hope you know what i mean. I can certainly improve on what i've got here, but i don't want to change the way in write in such a drastic way in order to do so.
Thanks a lot for the comment and feedback. And i hope you don't rip into me (again) for my response. lol :)
@kiwi - Awesome comment. Thanks a lot buddy.
Ellipses - I didn't make a conscious effort to change. This excerpt was further along in my story than the Coltrane excerpt, so i was changing for the better on my own. :)
Use of detail - 'tumbleweed moment' is the perfect description. I wish i'd thought of that. I can definitely develop that more.
In battle, i guess i should let the less important stuff get consumed by general description, and focus more on the key points, like you said. :)
Senses - Again, just finding spots to put some of these in is hard, but tasting blood is a great one.
Descriptors - They're something i'm working on. That's why i got a Thesaurus for Christmas. :)
Subject Placement - Good idea. I'll try to do that more.
Zamny - I was treading a fine line with him. I guess i kinda stuffed it up. lol
As you guessed, i wasn't trying to diminish Hounder's and Drephor's strength, but rather emphasize Zamny's - the little wonder that he is.
He had showed up in my story a few times before, and they gave the reader an idea of just how strong he is, so maybe in a bit of a context it might not have been so unexpected and thus, 'comical'.
Phew. Again. Thanks all of you for the feedback. I've still got a fair way to go before you see my stuff on the shelves, but i'm getting there and with all of your help i'll only get better faster. :)
Oh no, dont change your style, thats what makes the story yours...
You dont have to make a drastic change, I was only showing an example of perspective...
Once you change and STICK to a first person point of view the entire battle scene will drastically change (for the better) without having to change your writing style...
In all honesty, if that entire sequence was written from Drephors POV, without changing any details,
It'd be a pretty good battle.
I'd probably only have cosmetic, suggestions like your static verb usage, or your tendency to stick to only passive or active sentences throughout each excerpt, not to mention your sentence structure (subject placement)
LOL, I had to rip ya some!
Oh ya, keep an eye on Kiwi's comments, he strikes me as a bookworm, and he has a slew of good pointers for ya...
And comic relief is hard to write, I cant do it effectively, so good luck with that!
mboy
Hounder didn’t need any guards by his side.
Ok i had trouble moving beyond this point and it was simply that from my limited military perspective Generals ( i think you should capitalize it ) or in my case Admirals are not "gaurded" as such and i am thinking you meant bodyguards to begin with.
They may be escorted or protected but by using guard its just not right terminology if you know what i mean and i know its such a little point.
Again sevral times you use simple words to create viid imagery as others have pointed out and i know its hard but i agree with some that fewer words can sometimes be more effective at the end you do it quite effecitvely here
"hands glowed briefly, and then a huge wave of fire shot"
we had been introduced to the idea of glowing hands before and knew what was coming but stillfew words gave us a picture, i like when you do this.
On this sentecne "Hounder tried to bat it away but with his armour he was a little too slow" i was thinking tha tmaybe it could be rewritten as "Hounder tried to bat it away but the weight of his armor slowed his reaction" You may not even want ot say the rock hit him because the reader would understand he could not block it
I really like the comments about adding senses to the battle is htere defeaning noise form the others fighting around them and explosions? Do either of these titans have any fear, do they sweat? I like that they bleed though. But i agree add something to add background color and filler to the battle as a whole.
i think many of the others offer great suggestions and remember i really am an engineer so what do i know about writing anyways lol
I think you should go with your style as much as possible btw and if you left the 3rd person i think you would have to dump the dialouge between characters and you seem to highlight the duel between them so it may lesson the impact of there personal battle if you told the story from one side only
just some irrationals thoughts i hope make some sense and btw is it metres or meters i was not sure if that was a typo or just the proper way and we have been spelling it wrong :)
thanks for sharing, yo have done so much work and with the help of these editors i thik you will turn this into a nice story
take care and be safe
bob
@Randy - I'm glad you understand. ^_^
@Bob - Thanks for the feedback buddy. I didn't know there was a problem with 'guard'. :)
Mboy,
Only just come across your blog - linked from "The Genesis Children".I've just read both versions of the battle scene - minor changes to the original would have sufficed - I think some of the comments on the original were a bit over critical - tho any writer always welcomes constructive comments.
What I find amazing, is that you have time to write this story, and yet still have time to offer advice and love to others - I'm not posting details here - but U know who I mean.
Keep the story going, and keep your support going ( re above )
Bye for now - I might post a more "professional" critique of your story later ,but then again, maybe not!
Anyway, apart from the story, you have a big following out there in the "cyber world" -keep offering your support.
Luv , Baz
cvn70/bob
in answer to your question - 'metres' is the british/australian/new zealand spelling
'meters' is the american spelling
Interesting take on a battle scene. I like the whole idea of them having powers – it adds an interesting element to the story.
I think some more dialogue would be helpful throughout the middle of the battle, just to break it up a little bit. I’m not sure though, you wouldn’t want to take the focus away from the action.
Everyone else has already said anything else I was thinking – sorry if I don’t comment everything. xD.
Brett =]
The powers certainly do add to the story.
^_^
Thnx for the comment. :)
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