Oh hai.
First of all, thanks so much for the awesome response i got for my last post. I'm putting this stuff up to get feedback, so it was great to get so much. Thanks a lot. It really does mean a lot to me. :)
I will respond to all the helpful/supportive comments on this blog. Leave me something and i'll respond. :)
KK today's post...
Coltrane is a Powerian soldier and on the good guys' side. Due to some past events however, he decided to secretly work for the enemy (the shadows) in exchange for his survival if they take over.
This excerpt is of the final and surprisingly simple task the Shadow King has given to him. He must convert one of the entry (warp) points in his home world for the shadows to use, and gain access to his home world.
He leaves the huge lone tower where everyone in the Power World resides, and heads out along the cloudy land under the eternal night sky.
The excerpt itself is nothing special - no action or dialogue. This is just something different i thought i would show. It's also rather boring. lol
...
Coltrane fetched a grey coat, hoping that it would help him blend in with the cloudy land if anyone looked out while he was still close by. Although, the permanent night sky would give him a good cover once he had travelled a fair distance…
First, he had to get outside… The only door was at the base of the Tower. He stepped into a warp point out on the main hall, and warped down to the ground floor.
There was a massive hall, divided by a series of different levels and staircases. It was poorly lit and cold and gloomy. And it was also completely silent…
Coltrane looked around and could see no one. He pulled his hood over his head and started walking until he found the two large entry doors made of iron and wood. There were two thick levers on either side that would open and close their respective doors with enough strength.
He headed over to the left lever, wrapped his hands around it and pushed down… but the door wouldn’t budge.
He got underneath and tried to pull down, but all that did was lift his body up… so he pressed himself against the wall and lifted his foot up onto it. Then he stamped down as hard as he could again and again…
The lever budged a little, but it immediately fell back into place…
He lifted up his other foot, and reaching up to hold onto an iron bar, he pulled himself up so he was standing on it…
Then he jumped up and slammed his feet back down onto the lever. It clanked down and he slipped off onto the floor. Turning around, he could see the door was open enough for him to just squeeze through…
* * *
There was a cold breeze outside, and he wrapped his coat around tighter. Then, crossing his arms and bracing for the cold, he headed out onto the vast cloudy land before him…
He had never been outside of the Tower before… not in his entire life. But now he was. He was walking alone, underneath the epic night sky, and, save from the low swoosh of the wind, there was utter silence…
Then he turned around and looked up… and he was speechless…
He saw the Tower… Most people of his generation had only seen pictures and paintings… but nothing could have prepared him for this. He fell to his knees and his mouth dropped open.
It was colossal in size. It seemed to have a black, shiny appearance, but he couldn’t tell whether that was from the actual material or just a reflection of the world around them…
And the peak was so high up it hurt his neck to see it…
He could see dull lights through windows, and imagined what was going on inside them… Because he only knew what existed on the floors below the sixth, as well as a few above… but there were many more floors than he could ever have conceived…
After a silent moment of contemplation, he got up and turned around, then headed on along his journey…
* * *
When he got to the horizon line from the Tower, Coltrane came across a dull warp point amongst the mist.
It was a good position – not too close and not too far from the Tower.
He bent down, did his thing, and the warp point started to glow purple…
Then Coltrane, knowing that that was his final task, sat down and sighed…
“It’s done…”
That was finally his last task… He didn’t have to do any more for the shadows… Now, everything he had worked for was within his reach…
He lied down on his back and put his hands under his head, and looked up at the night sky dotted with twinkling stars…
Of course, he still felt terrible for all the things he had done… Yes, they would stay with him for the rest of his life, but they had to be done, and it was too late to turn back now…
He felt glad that it was over… but sad at the same time. Because now they would all die…
He hoped that Marc would decide to join him, but he wasn’t kidding himself. Marc was a soldier, loyal to his people, and Coltrane was prepared for whatever answer he would receive.
Rather than use the warp point to warp back, Coltrane decided to take the melancholy walk instead. It would, after all, be the last time he would see his home world...
A message.
-
I occasionally revisit my blog when I need to look up a date or some other
detail from my past. It's convenient to have chronicled every major life
event f...
11 years ago
20 comments:
Oooh, I get to be first!
MB, you are definitely on my AYA (Awesome Young Authors) list! The fact that you are writing like this now, without an editor, makes me think you're going to be an incredible writer in years to come. Please don't stop writing!
John / Alien Son
Damn, I thought I was going to be first, but I took too long reading it lol.
Really really cool. Just one of those pieces where you can feel it. We can feel Coltrane's wonderment at seeing the outside of the tower for the first time. We can feel (a little bit) of his confliction at doing the things he has to do out of necessity. Really cool ideas, and the situation that he is put in is a compelling one.
I'll echo something someone said on the first post - I think the ellipses (the '...') detract from the story a bit. They look ugly, they smack of msn conversations, and they almost indicate a creative block in the paragraphs when you need to trail the thoughts off with a '...' - even if not because of a creative block, they make it seem like the writer has run out of ideas as to how to describe the situation or end the paragraph.
What would really tickle me pink would be to see those gaps filled with some passionate picture painting. I think especially in a piece like this where Coltrane is just discovering something intensely beautiful and wondrous, and he's simultaneously marvelling at it and questioning why he is harming something so beautiful and incredible (if I'm reading it rightly lol, hard to know when we've only got a small excerpt), it would be cool to see you just open up the floodgates and wax lyrical about it - let it all out.
'And the peak was so high up it hurt his neck to see it…'
Suggested - and if I've got the ideas you're trying to portray wrong, my apologies:
'The peak was so high up it hurt his neck to see it. He perused it slowly, taking in all of the monolith's beauty level by enormous level. A structure so complex, so multi-faceted, so awe-inspiring. To think that humans, the flawed beings that they were, could band together to make such a fantastic construction. The idea of a project that stupendously massive was too big for Coltrane to grasp.'
Dunno, I just think you could expand on some of the descriptions when you're describing a pretty big moment in little Coltrane's existence.
But yeah, as I say, I still really could feel it. Kudos. Very nice. I've only managed like 400 words on my novel :(
Can't wait for more to be posted. It seems pretty exciting!
(lol, word verification - cogeniz)
Another good excerpt. It sounds as though the landscape outside the tower, aside from be cast in perpetual darkness, is a vast and barren place, like a moonscape almost. Do you describe the features of the land elsewhere in the story? Is it flat or hilly, covered with rock or vegetation? You also mention that when Coltrane finishes his task, he looks upon the starry sky. Earlier you used "cloudy" to describe the land. Is this more of a low lying mist or fog, or an overcast sky? Some minor details that might be explained earlier in the story, but none the less help to paint a more complete overall picture of the world outside the tower. Keep up the great writing! I'm already looking forward to your next post. :p
Now you've got me hooked and I want to read more.
I liked this piece better than the first - perhaps too much dialogue in the first one? I think others mentioned that. Here there is no dialogue, yet the images are much easier to visualize and the words draw the reader in.
ps: have you read Stephen Kings' works The Dark Tower? Or Cormac Mcarthy "The Road" (which I absolutely hated, I might add). LOL.
Good stuff, MB! I see lots of _college_ student writing and yours is in the top 3rd %ile or so!!!
Look for Stephen King's book "On Writing".
Half autobiography, the rest is a very good primer. I don't like his stories much, but this book was very good.
Keep it up. Those Aussies know how to teach the mother tongue it seems.
professor in NYC
Did I mention you have genuine TALENT?
Professor in NYC
Content-wise: Amazing! Very well-written. You have the right words for the right emotions here.
The only criticism I have is the use of the ellipses (the "..." things). You use them too much. Most of the time you can just remove them and put a period there. You could rework sentences and paragraphs so they cluster together a bit more, as in some instances it's a bit distracting to have similar thoughts broken by paragraph spaces.
But other than those minor (I consider them minor) "issues," really well-written. I'd love to read more. :D
Coltrane is obviously not too bright if he thinks the enemy will eventually let him live, or that the open door will not be discovered before his return. Therefore the "picture painting" is spot on - being just as much as Coltrane is aware of. Tenderly mentioning his back, hands, head, and his gladness is so ominous, as he is now in deep trouble.
Mboy, this is good ..... I don't have words.
(Previously "Anonymous" from South Africa.)
Alright man, seems your talent lies not in dialogue, but in narration. You definitely have talent in story telling.
You still need to work on your authorship. I don't know what the 'Anonymous Professors' are smoking, but I'd disagree with the top 3rd % comment, you'd be slammed by every professor I've known. Not a cut against you, I'm just being honest.
Like the other comments stop using the ellipses. These are very distracting, and ultimately pull the reader out of the story, rather than immerse them.
Don't get me wrong, I assume you want the reader to 'imagine' the environment you're describing by leaving out certain details. The thing is you have to paint the 'whole' picture for the reader, just paint it in black and white, and let them (the readers) paint the colors they imagine.
Listen to Kiwi, he had some good ideas. You need to strategically place vivid details. This excerpt seems like a big deal, a huge plot setting point. This guy Coltrane is about to turn on his own people. This is the part in your story where the most detail should be. Especially describe the psychology of Coltrane while he is doing this task. How he feels, his motivations and qualms, is very important to the reader. And these details are necessary for the reader to make a personal connection to your character.
Alien Son is right on the money when he says your writing in the absence of an editor is damn good. So you have to keep writing, and writing, and then writing some more. Expressing your thoughts in narration is a perishable skill, so you have to keep it tuned.
Again, I'm not trying to be a dick, or slam you for the fun of it. I'm only trying to be honest and give you my two cents.
Good Luck and I'm anticipating your next post...
Awesome feedback again. Thanks so much! :)
@John - Thanks a lot buddy, mr. author. ;)
@kiwi - I swear. I don't mean to do the ...'s.
-_-
Thanks a lot. Your ideas are great. :)
@Deadwing - The whole scenery/ladscape thing was described way before this event takes place. :P
@Seth - Thanks Sethy. I'm glad it's easy to visualize. Narration is easier to engage a reader with than dialogue i guess. :)
No i haven't read those books. :P
@Anon - I've heard about that book but haven't come across it yet. Thanks for the compliment. :)
@Aek - Again, i didn't even know i was doing it... -_-
I'm also very keen for paragraph breaks, as you've probably realised on here and from my other blog. :P
@McCabbage - Haha. Thanks. :D
I always try to put myself in a character's head - very important.
@Randy - Uhh... thanks. I hope my dialogue doesn't suck too bad. Maybe once i post some from other people you'll get a diff idea. :)
Again, sorry about the ...'s
Coltrane has been conflicted for a long time and has battled his own inner demons. Again and again he has continued on the same path and done MUCH worse things, so this final task is really more of a relief at it all finally being over, rather than more conflict of mind. So 'How he feels, his motivations and qualms' have been gone over many times before this excerpt, if you know what i mean.
Thanks for the advice again.
And thanks for all the awesome feedback, all of you. :)
love
ROFL
I'm sorry, that did come off rough. I didn't mean that your dialogue is bad, I just meant I see more talent, as far as authorship, in your narration.
You can tell a story verrrrrry well, obviously. I keep coming back to read dont I?
Ellipses have their place and are quite useful . . . IMO.
:-D
I use them all the time when I want to convey a . . . dramatic pause or imply confusion or any number of other things. They're a wonderful tool when used properly.
This paragraph works, IMO (though I would ditch "he" in the second half):
Then he turned around and looked up . . . and he was speechless . . .
It's interesting that you say you're not aware you're doing it. When I copied and pasted the above paragraph, the ellipses were both single characters composed of three closely packed periods. Weird! Whereas other places they're definitely three periods.
One other thing, if you do want to use them, it's my understanding that it's proper to put a space between each period, rather than grouping them all together. I don't have a copy of Strunk & White's Elements of Style to confirm but the friend who told me was working on her doctorate in English.
mboy
i found it interesting at the end when Coltrane is wondering whether Marc will join him and he internally decides against it because "Marc is a soldier loyal to his people"
if Coltrne is a soldier also why would he NOT also have that loyalty, to me there seems to be a disconnect with the Coltrane who plots against his own people and one who worries about how Marc might feel.
Coltrane apeears to be at peace with his treason what makes Marc so special as ally form all others or is htis the forbidden relationship (at least on aussie tv lol)you have hinted at.
Coltrane does not appear to have that internal struggle in this piece but will he have an "oh I fucked up big time moment confession" and warn people before they are killed, i wonder.
I know we do not have the full background but i wonder if Coltrane feelings of almost an anticlimatic mood to his actions are those a traior would hold would they be so peaceful about their deeds, just what haven't you told us about Coltrane :P
"but all that did was lift his body up" & "reaching up to hold onto an iron bar": i like these types of simple imagery that you use in several places.
I can really see these situations occuring and they are not over worded or overdone and they works well to create an image.
thanks for sharing and remember i ain't no expert :) take care and be safe
bob
Another great excerpt sweetie, keep writing.
Hey,
I sent you some e-books on writing, that I have used. Some of these were very useful to me when completing my degree, and I've added others I had sitting around my hard drive.
I hope this helps...
BTW, y dont u reply to emails...
Probably to busy w/ writing or the rest of your fans...
:(
@HCI - SO MANY RULES FOR THREE DOTS! O_O lol
I just gotta figure out how to 'use them properly' it seems. :P
@Bob - Thanks Bobby.
The 'disconnect' between the 2 sides of Coltrane you describe is important. It's there to show that, although he has done so much for evil, part of him still cares and worries for the ones he loves - thus, he will always have a chance for redemption.
Marc's special to Coltrane because they pretty much grew up together. And now Coltrane has feelings for Marc...
:)
@Joshy - Thanks sweetie. ^_^
@Randy - Lol. I'd just finished replying to the emails in my inbox, when i looked at my comments and saw that. :P
Thanks heaps. I'll have a look. :)
Alright so I'm a little slow on the draw with leaving a comment but I will because I do read most of the posts you make.
All my feedback has pretty much already been said. You do tend to use ... too much but you said you dont even realise it. I constantly have to re-read my papers I write for school to check for things that I don't even realise i type.
Other than that I wouldn't change much else. I like how descriptive you are. And how creative. I could never have come up with a story idea like this. Mine would always be similar to other books I've read or movies I've seen.
But some other little things (maybe I'm over critical so take it or leaves these):
- 3rd paragraph... Too many "and"s. IMO (take it or leave it haha) "It was poorly lit and cold and gloomy." would sound better as "It was poorly lit, cold and gloomy."
- You also start the next sentence off with And, which when you have also in the sentence you don't really need it there. Plus your not supposed to start a sentence with a conjunction
- Theres a couple other places I've noticed where you started sentences with "And" just watch out for those as an editor would tear you apart for it haha.
Other than that theres not much else I would change. Like I said I really do enjoy it and hope to read more of it. I liked when you described Coltrane looking up at the tower.
But def keep writing, it's good stuff
=)
@Courage - TBH, i sometimes put 'and's in for more impact. IMO i think it sounds better. lol :)
Thanks for the comment. I will be wary of the ands. *hugs*
A nice bit of narration.
One technical point: the words "with enough strength" in the sentence, "There were two thick levers on either side that would open and close their respective doors with enough strength," area misplaced modifier. As written, they apply to the levers. You mean if Coltrane had enough strength, but he's not in the sentence for the phrase to apply to him. It would work if you said, "if he had enough strength to move them."
But technical points aside, it is quite evocative, both of the scene and of Coltrane's feelings. The lines "now they would all die," and, "It would be the last time he would see his home ['native' would be better] world," are very poignant.
@NG - lol thanks. I make lots of technical errors. :P
Post a Comment