Oh hai.
I'd thought i'd start off with just a few moments from Universes that i like. Universes is the main story i'm working on at the moment and is over 183,000 words long.
I know the monologue here is long, but, well, it's the longest in my whole story, so it's uncommon.
This excerpt is part of a conversation between 2 of my main characters, Marc and Syrene. They're both captains of teams that fight against the evil shadows. Here, Syrene is talking to Marc about her history for the first time, the same day after the two first confessed their love for each other.
Syrene is talking about her last lover Harzy whom she had been with for 4 years, back while she was still a civilian. He was killed by shadows when she followed him while he was on patrol, to give him a gift of a silver bracelet to celebrate their 4-year anniversary of meeting each other.
I picked up halfway through their conversation.
...
"The last thing he did, as he fell to the ground, was tell me to flee… Marc, I still blame myself for his death…"
"No…"
"Yes, Marc… You can say what you will. You can try to comfort me but your words will fall hollow. I know I am responsible. I was a fool to follow him. And I was helpless to save him…"
"I don’t know what to say Syrene…"
"You don’t have to say anything Marc."
He leant in and hugged her.
"It shocked me into a reality I had not known. It introduced me to a life of death, suffering and sorrow that I have lived ever since… Marc, it was what made me decide to become a fighter. I bid farewell to our families, both his and mine, and travelled to the Power World, vowing never to return home until I could look after myself. I enrolled in school and joined the Airian and fighting classes. Later on, I also took strategic and defence classes. I spent years at school, driven by my memories of pain and grief to do my best… I eventually graduated school and joined a team of seven Airians – two males and five females, making a team of eight.
"We had a fantastic leader and I learnt a lot from him firsthand. We were utterly devoted to him and followed him wherever he would lead us. We all adored him, and it came as another tragic shock when he was slain during a minor skirmish in the Sound World… I was devastated, that not even a year after opening myself up to my emotions again and becoming what I saw as human again, the person I cared for most in the world was, again, taken from me… But I was surprised. My team-mates asked that I lead them from then on. They asked me to replace him… I don’t know what they saw in me… I was older, less experienced and more unstable than any of them, but they wanted me… and I said yes… Ever since then, I have led my team, seeking revenge on the shadows for what they’ve done to me and how they’ve made me suffer. But I think no amount of death and vengeance could ever fill the void left inside me caused by the loss of the love of my life…"
Marc was at a loss for words… He sat there silently, holding her hand and he smiled…
He didn’t know why.
Perhaps it was desperate attempt at letting her know he just understood her pain.
"Marc… I want you to know, that I believe you are my second soulmate… Before I met you, although my life was eventful, it felt empty. I was depressed and lonely. My craving to settle the score with my enemies drove me to get out of bed each day, but no matter how many lives I took, I felt no better… The day I saw you, the day we met and talked… the day we fought side-by-side, I discovered a new passion deep inside me… It was the desire for love again…"
Marc tried to speak but his lips moved and no sound came out.
"Marc, I’ve said I loved you before, but maybe now you can truly understand just how much I really mean it."
"I… I do, Syrene… I had no idea I meant that much to you… I’m… honoured to be your soulmate."
"As am I."
Syrene pulled her sleeve up again and slowly took off one of her silver bracelets…
"I was going to give him this one… I want you to have it…"
"Syrene… I couldn’t…"
"No one alive is worthy of wearing this more than you. I want you to have it."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, absolutely."
Syrene lifted Marc’s hand up and fastened the bracelet around his wrist…
"Thank you… I’ll think of our love every time I look at it."
"I hope you will… Marc. I will love Harzy forever… You understand that, don’t you?"
"I do."
"I will also love you forever… in a different, but… just as important way."
"I love you too, Syrene."
"Thank you Marc… You remind me of him, in so many ways…"
A message.
-
I occasionally revisit my blog when I need to look up a date or some other
detail from my past. It's convenient to have chronicled every major life
event f...
11 years ago
33 comments:
Love It! Love You! You're so talented. And I know good writing when I see it, I read lots and lots.
I have to say, this is far better than any Dickens I have even read. But then again, I find Dickens impenetrable.
*blushes*
Thanks heaps Joshy.
love you too *hugs*
youve got good writing in there. although im definitely no expert, in fact probably the opposite, youve got talent in writing.
the only thing that i personally find a bit funny is some of the dialogue doesnt seem as natural, it doesnt come across to me as how people who love each other would speak. but then it might how you want it to be. i dunno but im no expert
other than its great. just keep writing and developing that talent of yours. :)
Hi Mirroboy, good work mate!
You definitely have skill at writing and that coupled with your passion is sure to lead to good things!
I know that you take your writing seriously and so I have a few comments that you can take or leave, as you like.
So I think I understand what Tom is saying in terms of the conversation not feeling natural between two people who are in love. Syrene pretty much does all the talking and it comes across as more of a lecture that she is giving, instead of the soft and vulnerable moment that it should be.
There are a few small things you can change to fix this. First, if Syrene is telling Marc about her history it doesn’t have to be as detailed. Like, when she says, “and joined a team of seven Airians – two males and five females, making a team of eight.”
That comes across as a bit too factual. She could say something like, “and I joined a team of Airians – we were seven with the five girls driving the two guys crazy.” (Depending on what gender relations are like in your story, of course.)
I know that you’re trying to do some exposition here also. So if you really want to put detail in, get Marc to ask her a few questions, or at least react to what she is saying. If he gets surprised or shows empathy then the conversation will flow better, and you get an opportunity to sneak the detail in.
Also, you could add more description about the characters as they’re talking. In your head it might make perfect sense what they’re feeling, but you need to convey that more to the reader. Sure the reader can imagine the emotional states of the characters, but the writer should give them something to work with.
Like, actually describing a pause in Syrene’s speech drives it home a lot more than just a new paragraph.
The only thing that bugged me about the conversation is when Syrene says that she loves Marc, but not as much as Harzy. I’m not sure Marc should accept that – and if he is happy with it then he comes across as either desperate or a loser. (sorry) I think it would cooler if she explained that she will always love Harzy, and that will never change, but that her life, and love, now belong with him.
Anyway, like I said, take or leave it, as you will. But, either way, keep writing mate! You’re definitely talented (and driven, and passionate)!
:-)
Nice job... you really paint a good picture here...
One minor comment (its constructive)...
You dont really get a sense of how they are talking... are they wishpering... yelling... talking emptionally... talking matter a fact...
I think you could benefit from some better descriptions...
"I need your help to find love," said Steve.
doesnt tell me how he said it... but...
"I need your help to find love," said Steve with a longing in his voice.
paints a better picture for the reader...
It doesnt have to be done with every sentence... but would help from time to time.
Its a minor thing that would take this amazing convo to the next level. Please dont think I am being critical AT ALL. I really liked the dialog.
Great job! and thanks for posting...
Peace,
AJ
I enjoyed it as well-- you clearly have a lot of talent. It must be fun having a project like this.
So what are the shadows? I gather that these are some kind of evil sentient creatures?
Steve
Mboy, all the editorial comments are good. I would add that these soliloquies are unbroken by a description of the surroundings and physical relationship of parties to one another at the time. And I would avoid overuse of direct address: "Marc,..."
This is a very promising beginning.
I really liked it buddy :)
I agree with some of exalen's comments, as well as with AJ's. Maybe describe the scenery more, like what their surroundings are like, and the context in which they are talking.
Idk, just a quick suggestion :) Love it though. love you <3
Landyn
Ok my 2 cents .. I like it - publishers won't. Sometimes bad writing is good writing - as with the film Marie Antoinette (Sofia Coppola, Kirsten Dunst) which got rather bad reviews. See this film Mboy, it's about you as well. Your writing reminds me of the (classical) composer Robert Schumann.
One trick is to translate parts into French using e.g. Google Translate. It gives one tips on how to put things differently in English. Also keep your ears open to ways others have of saying things. What if your Mom was Cyrene, how would she have gone about it? Try to write as you'd speak.
This is why you need to suffer in the world of course, to gain exposure. Had you already been conscripted into a nasty army before, being shot at and shouted at, you would now have written better about war, etc. The greater thy trial, the greater thy triumph .. However I can see you have suffered a bit already.
Having been here but some 15 years you couldn't have read enough books yet. Abandon TV to read instead. Much to be learned from "The Belgariad" series (for children) by David Eddings .. "The Waves" by Virginia Woolf: http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks02/0201091h.html .. "Bartleby the Scrivener" by Herman Melville (short book, do read): www.gutenberg.org/files/11231/11231.txt .. "A Passage to India" by E.M. Forster - etc.
@anonymous
I think your intent may be good, but I know if I were mboy it would be hard NOT to read this as patronizing.
I congratulate mboy for having the courage to put up his work for enjoyment and critique. Its hard to hear criticism over your passions, regardless how well-intended.
Also, I fear in these small little comments its hard to get a balance of praise and constructive criticism. So I'll try to balance it out-
I loved it! I love your passion and your talent. I can't wait for more!!! Keep up the good work!
Much Love,
Steve
Thanks for the response guys, really. It means a lot to me.
In my defense, i am only 15 and this is really the 1st writing project i have ever embarked on, so i'm still learning.
Also, the conversation isn't really in context. I had described where they were and what they were doing before the conversation, in the actual story.
But i am aware that i still have a lot to work on, so thanks for all the advice.
I've decided that on this blog i will respond to each comment.
@tom - Yeah i know what you mean. I guess the only way i can defend that is by saying that Marc and Syrene are 'the oldest and wisest' of all my characters. They aren't going to be just chillin out. lol
I'll post some stuff from my other characters some time and we can see if that's any better.
@exalen - I will take your advice to heart. Thanks! :)
@AJ - Yeah i get what you're saying. I've been working on that the whole time i've been writing and i think i'm getting better. :)
@J - Thanks a lot. They're high up so i could mention the lonely howl of the wind or something.
@Landyn - I just love getting comments from you! ^_^
@Anon - well i'm doing my best. Yeah i'm writing about war, and haven't actually been in a war. But i'm giving what i love a shot, and learning all the time. That's all i can do.
I'm also writing about relationships between boys and girls. That doesn't mean i'm gonna go out and pick up a woman. lol
Thanks for the advice. :)
@Planetx - Yeah, I was really nervous about posting parts of my story up here. I've poured so much into it. I was scared shitless it and i were gonna get picked to pieces.
So thanks for the support mate. :)
love all and thanks again. I'll listen to all your advice and just get better and better. :)
mboy
thanks for sharing this, i know how hard it is to start with blank paper and then create something to begin with.
then to offer it to tohers to read and review nust be a bit nerve racking.
some of the other commentators clearly know more about writing than me and i thnk a lot of their advice is probably based on experience
but i have read few books and the excerpt for the most part read easy and kept the reader going.
in regards to one commentator expectations yes it would be better if you had experinced war before you wrote about but many others have accomplished a war story without ever fighting in one.
same with a love story but i do agree with some of the comments and it will be intereting to see if you feel comfortable enough to repost an excerpt after readers have commented to see the changes evolve
furrther the book i would assume only needs to be written to the level of sophistication of the reader and i would think yours is a teen market which wqould allow for some lack of detail at times IMO.
i di dhave two thougts and simly editorial in nature:
first: "But I was surprised. My team-mates asked " i might write as - But to my surprise, my teamamtes...
next: "Marc tried to speak but his lips moved and no sound came out" to - Marc tried to speak his lips moved but no sound ...
hey but i am not a writer :) just some thoughts and thanks for sharing with us
take care and be safe
bob
@Bob - I'm glad at least it was easy to read. :P
Thanks for the comment and advice.
So far, so good. You have a natural talent it would seem. I am in no way qualified to critique your writing. So for what it's worth, it looks good to me! :P
Keep up the great work!! Thanks for sharing your writing with us. I can't wait to read more!
Alright man, I will not be as kind as your other fans, sorry.
I am an English major, with a minor in contemporary lit. BTW, my degree and two quarters will get me a coffee, so don't take my criticism to heart.
The MAIN thing is to keep it simple, write what the characters have to say, and avoid filler words, they come off as pretentious, and like Exalen politely said 'two robots talking.' For instance, instead of; "The last thing he did, as he fell to the ground, was tell me to flee" try "His dying words were..."
AJ's point about describing 'how' the characters are dialoguing is a very good point, your picture will be painted with brighter colors if there is emotion attached to character, especially during a long dialog like this, you HAVE to keep the reader interested. Try filler narrative, like "He cupped her hand, leaned in and softly spoke" for example.
Like J said, the overuse of direct address is a big mistake, and hard to overcome. If you use character addressing like this, your overall work will come out amateurish. This is more of a polishing to your monologues and dialogs, and can show professionalism in writing when there really is none.
I am sure since this is just an excerpt, that your background is well established, i.e. scenery, location, etc. So I wouldn't overly concentrate on the comments addressing it. There is such a thing as too much description.
Other than that, be yourself. Write how you speak, how you think, and how you relate to these characters. Don't try to write for the reader. Write with sincerity, from personal inspirations and the readers will follow.
I know you are 15, and that this is your first work. You WILL get slammed by critics, but that's fine. Your doing something ingenious by posting excerpts and inviting criticism, and this will make you a better writer at an exponential rate. Heed the advice of others, but with a grain of salt, b/c ultimately this will be your work of art, whose only interpretation that matters is yours.
Since I am done slamming you, lol, here is a compliment. Which btw is one of the better compliments a writer will get.
I wanted to read further, I wanted to find out what happens next. You definitely have an engagement factor to your writing, and you have the ability to pull in the reader. Which is a huge hurdle for any author.
Keep it up m8, and if you want my help, I'll do my best in these comments.
Remember write for fun, and never, under any circumstances get a degree in english or literature, you'll wind up in the military like me. lol
Rboy
@DW - Thanks for the kind words. :)
@Randy - Don't be sorry at all. Honesty is what i want here, not people kissing my ass. lol
Thanks for all the advice. I know my writing's not the best and that's why i'm putting it up - for feedback. So any feedback is great, as long as it's constructive of course. :P
Thanks.
This is great. All these points of view on different things will help me become a better writer, and get better at what i love doing.
Thanks again all.
It's really good Mboy, but as a addicted fantasy reader I have to point at few things I didn't like, hoping that you take it into consideration:
- You are using names to much in conversations. Let readers fall into scene and you don't have to tell them who is talking at particular moment. Besides, in real life you are not using others names every second sentence, do you?
- Agree with exalen - to much of details. Those are good for narration not dialogs. Once again, think how you are talking to others in real life.
- To many dots, I mean ... You know, comas are perfectly good for making breaks, or adding bit of narration (I personally hate long monologues but your were still in short category). Besides triple dots looks bad in printings.
- AJ got good point about narration about details how characters are responding to each other words, how they gesture.
And I agree with Anonymous's comment - read David's Eddings books, he have style that might be quite pretty close to yours but you can learn how to build situations and how to describe things that readers will spend nights reading it or miss their stops of the bus. I know I did.
But you have a talent kiddo :) Good work. Now I'd like to read some exceptions when you describe world you are creating, i wanna know how you describing things and characters when you introduce them. This is sometimes more important that dialogs it selfs because it will make readers to imagine world you are creating in their heads.
Good job Mboy!
:D
theyre all just saying that stuff
none of them mean it but me
Hey mate, maybe you should rename this "Mirrorboy's War Of Words!"
Just wanted to say something about you not having enough experience:
1) That's bullsh!t.
2) Don't believe it.
If people only ever wrote about what they knew, we wouldn't have The Matrix, Star Wars, LOTR or any of the great fantasy/sci-fi stories we all know and love.
The more important thing is that you know what you are writing. You know what's happening in the story. You know how the world works. And most importantly you know how your characters feel.
You know what it's like to have a conversation with someone you like; the fear about saying the wrong thing, the sweaty palms, racing heart, muddled thoughts. You know what it's like to love and care for someone other than yourself. So what if you're writing about a boy and a girl.
You know what it's like to be scared, to feel in danger. So what if you haven't been in a war.
And you already have a heap of experiences - 15 years worth - to draw on to build your story. And we all know that the last year hasn't been easy, buddy. If nothing else, this last year has given you more material than the average 15 year old already.
So forget worrying about what you don't know. Use what you do know. That's what will make your story yours. And no one else can tell it like you can.
@PH - I didn't realise i was using the names too much until you all pointed it out to me. lol
I also have an addiction to ...'s. I'm working on getting past that. ;)
@Aahsazyl - Confusing as always.
@exalen - Thanks for sticking up for me man. :D
Yea- I think it can be an advantage to be young. Age brings perspective and wisom (or so I am told). I certainly know that my perspective of the world has changed dramatically from when I was 15, less than 10 years ago-- much more than I would've ever expected actually.
You mentioned before a book about your life. I loved the idea of including 'blog posts' as a writing mechanic. In general, I would love to read 'the story of someones' growing up told through the words of that person--as they were experiencing it. If you could just write EVERYTHING, and edit that down into a narrative ten years from now...I would find that incredibly interesting.
When we speak- everything about what/how we say something is determined by our personality and experiences. From early teen years to like early twenties-- so much is going on that your personality, attitudes, perspective, etc. change dramatically. It would be so insightful and fun to start a book, and know that we are reading from the perspective of a 13-15 year old, and see how the words/etc change as the person grows. I would love to be able to really experience some one elses growing up with that level of intimacy (if that makes any sense). Just the subtle changes in writing habits/style would tell a story in and of itself. As we get older, it becomes a lot harder to remember our attitudes and perspectives when we were young--and thats a BAD thing. It would be impossible for this to work without writing it as it happens over the course of the next ten years.
Obviously, it would take a pretty special, and very intelligent person. You are such a person... so just make sure you save everything... you may look back and have gold on your hands.
Much Love,
Steve
MB and others - sorry if my remarks sounded patronising. English is not my first language, civility was never the strong point of my people (too much war) and I always have to write in a hurry. If I didn't consider MB and his writing extremely promising, I'd not be wasting time here .. I might add "taking flak from elderly weak-kneed humanists" but rather not. MB you are closer to a thousand years than 15, counting this planet only (like Obama). So you can expect almost frightening improvement as you go, if you allow it. Steve (above) has a truly great idea! It seems when people proceed through a lifetime, valuable things can be lost as well. Please be sure to stay 15 in some ways. Pay attention to what is good about your mind now - backup everything to read years later. Thx.
Ai tog, sorry again - my previous comment should of course have read you have a thousand *lifetimes* behind you, not years.
Oh well, see Aleister Crowley too for writing tips - www.geocities.com/nu_isis/dionysus.html - especially www.geocities.com/nu_isis/dionysus.html#magician and www.geocities.com/nu_isis/dionysus.html#onestar .. Warning, some there are a bit homo-erotic.
@Planetx - I'll always be a kid on the inside. :P
@Anon - I'm here to improve. :)
Wow lots of comments on this. The editors crawl out of the woodwork.
I'm not an editor or a scholar, the last time I even wrote a proper essay was too many years ago to remember, so I can't say much about anything except you can never have enough ... dots lol. Provided they all match in an OCD way. :)
I would just think one thing - don't let all these comments affect you right away. (I was going to say "go to your head" but not like that). what I mean is - you have a writing style, good bad or whatnot is irrelevant. its YOUR style.
Don't start getting confused and second guessing yourself, trying to make it sound a little more like this, or structure a little like that, or use dangling participles more frequently. In other words, don't start changing how you write the next chapter, based on comments and ideas you've not had before. (Sure, there are many excellent comments here, and all valid ideas) - but let your story remain YOUR story, and let it flow out the way you want it.
There. Said in typical Sethy inscrutable illogical rambling manner.
Looking forward to seeing more samples, perhaps even the "next chapter" after this sample, or the part before it, to put things in context.
Good job :)
LOL, sounds like people are taking our criticisms harder than you are.
I have a question tho, are you looking to write and publish (appeal to the readers) or are you writing to fulfill a creative void (appeal to all?)
I can help with each, and can even forward some of my correspondence courses on contemporary literature if you'd like...
I disagree with everyone else, I don't think you are exceptional just b/c you're you. I don't think you've 'lived a thousand lifetimes.' I think you are an average guy, filled with angst, awkwardness and a bag full of questions. Hopefully if you eventually want to publish, I, no we, can help you achieve that goal. I will not baby you, nor hold your hand, but I will give you the best advice I possibly can. I needed it once, and never got it, and will probably never write for fun again, but hopefully we can push you to turn a hobby into something exceptional.
Its a long road man, but I think we can grade the bumps for you.
I can see the two of them standing together. I can see Marc, and Syrene. I have a complete image of how they look like. I can see the distance between them. I can see what the silver bracelet looks like.
I can see all that, even though you have not written one word about it. Fantastic. If only my entries were that good.
That's probably the biggest compliment I could ever give to a writer. Keep up the good work. :)
Take care,
Tee
Great work Mirrorboy.
I am always in awe of people who can imagine characters and new worlds and bring them together in way that brings it all to life.
I know that this is just a small part of what you have created so far and that we don't have the complete context yet.
But, what a great teaser you have presented.
You can write MB and you have left us wanting more.
Writing dialogue is some of the hardest ways of telling a story.
You are trying to convey character, motive, plot and context through what is spoken - and trying to make it live in the reader's mind.
You done all that MB.
It does need editing and polishing, but all good writers need good editors.
Looking forward to more.
Cheers
Lindsay
@Seth - Thanks Sethy. Don't worry. I won't be making any sudden changes to how i write. :)
@Randy - I wanna get it published and sell it and make moneys and be famous. ^_^
A boy can dream. lol :P
I'll take all the advice i can get. Thanks.
@Tee - Thanks a lot. :)
The way i write, i leave a bit to the imagination of the reader.
I'll check out your blog sometime, if i remember. :P
@Lindsay - Always a pleasure. Thanks. :)
Argh, I meant to comment on this entry a while ago, and now so many comments have gone up that all my critiques have already been spoken for!!
Oh well. Nice job. :D Just one question, are you using words like "learnt" correctly? Maybe it's a Australian thing, like "humor" is US and "humour" is everywhere else.
Oh, and while I can envision them standing next to each other, and their facial emotion, I can't envision them anywhere in particular. As mentioned, a description of the scenery would be nice.
Then again, this IS halfway through the dialogue, so I can assume the description of the two characters and the scene were at the beginning. ;-)
@Aek - Yeah i got the description of the scenery out of the way at the start, so we could then focus on the conversation.
I dunno about those words. I'll have to look into it. :/
Thanks for the feedback. :)
I'm a bit late to comment — but anyways ^^
That honestly was good. One of the things I love about reading is being taken to another world, and you managed to do that.
There were a few moments where I thought "what?", and that realism was broken. For example (and as others have mentioned), a lot of details in an intimate monologue, and the overuse of ellipsis makes the dialogue seem unnatural at times; however, for the most part I was drawn to the story.
When I reached the end I was definitely left wanting more and I found myself filling in back-stories for the characters as well as wondering what was going to happen next.
You've got me interested.
Brett =]
Thanks Brett. ^___^
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