Oh hai. *takes 1 aspirin*
This occurs shortly after Coltrane's Final Task. Obviously quite a major event happened between that scene and this one. Coltrane planned on leaving his home world and living with the shadows... but instead ended up in their prison.
If anyone wants, i could post the middle scene too. It is quite good. lol
I really suck at subtlety. Here are 2 attempts at slowly moving a relationship forward.
Stonian (power - telekinesis) Klax was captured quite some time ago by the shadows during the assault on the Thoughts World. He was one of our traitor Coltrane's teammates. Coltrane felt responsible and because he was working with the shadows, got access to the prison and came to visit Klax.
Over time, Coltrane told Klax everything, about how he was working for the shadows, and he really didn't feel like he could stop. He didn't like doing what he did, but he didn't have a choice anymore.
And Klax was the first person to believe him.
Through events transpiring between this event and the post mentioned above, Coltrane became a prisoner of the shadows and has been thrown into the same cell as his old teammate. If he were in any other cell, surely the other captives would kill him.
Coltrane is quite unaware that Klax loves him...
...
It wasn’t long before Klax’s hands started twitching and fumbling around on the cold, stone floor next to him. As his eyes started to open, he rolled onto his back, and saw Coltrane sitting next to him cross-legged. Through the tiny window in the thick wall behind him he saw the pale purple of a Death World dawn.
“You’re awake early again?" Klax mumbled. "Jeez, you should wake me up."
“You look so peaceful when you’re asleep. And you told me that sleep is an escape from this… hell.”
“Sometimes. Still, I want to keep you company.”
“I’m fine Klax.”
“Yeah yeah… sure you are.”
Klax sat up and rested against the wall.
“So, what are we going to do today?” Klax asked, trying to seem upbeat.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, we could have another breath-holding contest, or a staring one… I bet I’ll beat you at the staring one this time! Last time I had this eyelash in my eye and-”
“How can you be so joyful?”
“I just am, Coltrane, because you’re here. And having someone here with me, just to keep me company, is a much better change than the other days i've spent in here.”
“I don't know how i'd make it in here without you," Coltrane said.
“Yeah i'm awesome,” Klax said, jumping up and walking over the to cell door. “So whatcha thinking about?” he asked, turning his head over his shoulder slightly.
“Do you really want to know?”
“It’s why I asked.”
“Well, I can’t stop thinking about our friends… They'd all know. They'd all hate me. I just wish I could have made them understand.”
“Like I do.”
“Yeah, but they never will. That’s what upsets me the most about all of this. It’s that I’ll always be seen as a hateful traitor to my people, and I’m not.”
“Well, none of that will matter when we’re dead, will it?”
“Is that supposed to cheer me up?”
“Of course it is… I can’t wait to die.”
When Klax turned Coltrane was looking back at him with a tilted head and a raised eyebrow.
“You're so weird, and you speak so bluntly.”
“It’s just the way I am.” Klax smiled at him, and turned around again.
“It’s… nice.”
“Hey, you know what the best thing is?”
“What?”
“It’s that we get to die together.”
...
That was supposed to be both creepy and kinda sweet.
A second excerpt soon after.
Just a quick note:
Cartur is another prisoner/character i introduced, and he's in the cell next to C and K.
...
That night, although Cartur fell asleep early, Coltrane and Klax could not, and they sat against the door to their cell and looked out their small window at the dark, misty night sky outside…
For a long time they sat there in silence, occasionally rearranging the old cloak they were sitting on, or moving around to sit in a different position.
Then Klax quietly broke the silence.
“I never really appreciated everything that I had outside of this place before I was captured…”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah… I miss my bed. I miss warm food and clean water. Hell, i miss things like fresh air and sunlight. I miss our friends too, mostly Xeros.”
“I do too.”
“You must miss Marc, huh?”
“Yeah… It’s hard without him. He was the one person who understood me,” Coltrane said.
“Well, you’ve got me now… so don’t feel too bad.”
“That’s true, but nobody could ever replace him. He was my best friend, my leader, my carer and my brother all rolled into one.”
“Well I’m still gonna do my best. Then hopefully you can feel the same way about me one day," Klax said. He meant that more than he wanted to let on.
“Thanks Klax… You really are a good friend. You’re the only one who’s stuck with me through all of this.”
"Well i am in prison. It's not like i could go anywhere, heh."
They both sat there for a while, listening to the breeze outside. For once, there seemed to be no commotion elsewhere within the prison. It was a quiet night.
Klax started again, “You know that thing that you said before, about fate hurrying up so you could get your opportunity?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah."
“Do you really believe in that? Fate, I mean?”
“I don’t know… I guess I never really thought about it.”
“Well I do. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything always ends up the way it’s supposed to, eventually.”
“Fate must hate us then.”
“Not necessarily... It brought us together didn't it? It made us friends.”
“I don’t thank fate for that.”
“I do. In fact, Coltrane, I always wanted to be closer to you before this, but you intimidated me so much. You just had this... scary aura about you. I couldn’t do it. but I hoped that one day we would be closer and look what happened. We ended up as best friends.”
“That’s not fate, it’s just chance or something.”
“Well, you believe what you want to believe – I think we were meant to be here together… I think this was all meant to happen. So it will all work out in the end.”
“How could things work out when they’re already this bad?”
“I’m not sure. I just know that they will.”
...
Other stuff happens in the prison obviously. These two posts were just focusing on Klax and Coltrane though.
A message.
-
I occasionally revisit my blog when I need to look up a date or some other
detail from my past. It's convenient to have chronicled every major life
event f...
11 years ago
10 comments:
More great writing, Mirrorboy. I especially like the conversation in the second part - that's really well done.
Great dialog, not much needs to be added there.
Only point of criticism: there are points where you could insert more detail on the gym or what they're doing while talking. At times, it almost seems like the spotlight is on the two of them and the world around them doesn't matter (I don't know if that's intentional on your part or not).
At any rate, great poignant dialog. :)
Really good dialogue.
@Aek. maybe the world around them doesn't matter, to them, at least.
Very Impressive stuff!!!
It was like they were right in front of me. As if I was there with them.
You sure do have a tallent for writing... Don't give it up!
Fanks guys. Can't say i was expecting many comments on this one. :P
@AS - Heh thanks. And thanks for proofreading it too. ;)
@Aek - Was it intentional? Don't think so. lol. But maybe it works like that. :)
@Baz - Thanks pal. :)
@G - Heh cool. Glad you like it. I haven't written anything for a long time. I really should get back into it but there's been so much on my mind... >.>
Thnx y'all
love
No suggestions on what to post next? lol. The escape from prison? Coltrane being betrayed by those he was working for? ;)
MB-
This is by far the best one out of the others for me. I got a full sense of the emotion; I thought the subtlety was spot on. This one really made me want to read more.
I am not a huge fantasy fan, so the battles, etc. don't suck me in too much, but raw relationships and character stories/development, I love!
So whatever you post next, I vote for something that fits that criteria. Also- how far along is this whole story? Do you have a structure you are following? How much more do you have?
I hope you are well-- you are not unlovable-- most of us, I especially, love you loads! I can't tell you enough how much you brighten up my day through your blog, words of win, our brief chats in MSN, etc. Billion hugs--
Steve
You know I love your writing style right?
So how long until you are done with the book? ;D
hugs
@Planetx - Wow thanks. :)
As for your questions, the story is at about 180,000 words. I'd call that about 2 thirds of the way through the 'story'. I do have a really basic structure, but i make most of the thing up as i go along. The best parts of my story were made up out of the blue as random ideas hit me.
@Jeremy - lol thanks buddy. You'll be waiting a few years yet. :P hugs
Heh, this was really quaint and neat. A quiet reprise from the battles and bloodshed and everything that we've been seeing for a while in your excerpts.
It is a really neat dialogue section. In other excerpts I've suggested you needed to add more scene setting, more detail on what they're doing as they're talking, that sort of stuff.
While I would say it couldn't hurt to put a bit of that in (particularly describing maybe Klax's nervousness in his actions, his body language etc), it works better here than just about anywhere else because they're always in the same place - in this prison cell where there is nothing else but them. What a perfect place to build a relationship... Good thinking!
I still think it would be cool to know a bit about the texture of the walls, the bars, the temperature of the air, the crispness of the morning, etc (edit - just noticed you did a bit of this at the beginning of the excerpt, good stuff!). Maybe you also do that in other bits of prison description, because you've indicated that you've left other bits out. (edit 2 - you've actually done quite a bit of it in both excerpts, i should read it before i post my comment lol - maybe just a bit more description of actions.body language as they're talking would be good).
I like the humour, and it all seems pretty natural :)
Except for one bit in the second excerpt where they get all lovey dovey:
"“Well I’m still gonna do my best. Then hopefully you can feel the same way about me one day," Klax said. He meant that more than he wanted to let on."
I would think that Klax wouldn't say he wanted Coltrane to feel that way about him - that's pretty... self-centred. He probably just wants to serve Coltrane and help him be happy, but to have Klax wanting Coltrane to feel the same way about hiim as he did about Marc is a bit... prseumptuous on Klax's part. He might want it, but I doubt he would say it.
But that's pretty much the only thing I can say I didn't really like... it's a smooth, quiet, fun little piece of character and relationship building.
You wouldn't want to spend too much time on the prison stuff though, because the story could easily get stagnant - it's all the same environment, with little changes. Unless you emphasise the changes in the people in the face of an unchanging environment... that would be kinda cool :)
So, basically, I've got no clear direction to this comment... I'm flip-flopping around which probably means I'm trying to find something to criticise, but I can't :P
Good work!
~kiwi
Thanks kiwi. :)
You're completely right! hehe. And that's why i ask for feedback.
If i were to rewrite this, i would edit Klax's dialogue in question. Body language is also an important thing that i left out. :(
The prison scene/chapter is varied up a bit. Cartur, the guy mentioned in the post, is the brother of a Healthian that Coltrane once killed, and there is some tension there. There's also the prisoners being tortured every day.
I take the opportunity to skip days, so it doesn't get too repetitive, and before long, i get to the escape scene...
Thanks much. ^_^
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